Page 60 of Roman Blake
The silence settled between us, and I let it.
“I ain’t say nothin’ to you ‘bout it ‘cause… I don’t know how to hold both,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to miss her this bad and still want you this bad at the same time. Shit feel… wrong sometimes. Like I’m betrayin’ her.”
Melissa’s eyes softened in that way that always fucked me up.
“You not betrayin’ her,” she said quietly. “You still breathin’. That’s what this is. You allowed to love her and… want somethin’ new.”
“I don’t do halfway,” I said. “You know that. When I love, I go all in. I did that with her.” I looked up. “And I feel myself doin’ that with you, whether you ready for it or not. That’s what’s eatin’ me.”
She stared at me, breath a little shaky.
“You showed up in a fucked-up way tonight,” she said. “You embarrassed me. You scared that boy. You scared me a little too.”
I didn’t argue.
“But…” she added, voice softer, “I also know you not puttin’ your hands on nobody for fun. You movin’ off pain, off fear, off not wantin’ to lose nothin’ else. That don’t make it okay, but… I get it.”
Hearing her say she “got it” did somethin’ to me I couldn’t name.
“I’ll fix that shit,” I said. “If he come back around, I’ll make it right. Money, apology, whatever. I lost it. That’s on me.”
She nodded slowly. “You should.”
We sat there, starin’ at each other.
I felt raw and exposed, but lighter in a way, too.
Like sayin’ it out loud to somebody who wasn’t family took some of the weight off.
“I ain’t never ask you to pick between her and me,” Melissa said after a minute. “I just… I need to know if I’m bein’ used to fill a hole.”
“You not,” I said, no hesitation. “Mo got her own space in me. You do too. It’s messy, but it’s real.”
She exhaled, shoulders loosening just a little.
“Okay,” she whispered. “I can work with real.”
We ain’t kiss right then.
We ain’t fuck.
We just sat in my living room, under pictures of my past, with my future sittin’ right in front of me, and for the first time in a long time… I felt like maybe I ain’t have to choose between the two.
Later, when she finally laid down in my bed, she did somethin’ she ain’t never done before.
She reached for the nightstand picture of Mo, looked at it, then set it back gently instead of turnin’ it face-down like some women might.
“You got room for both,” she said quietly, layin’ back down and turnin’ toward me. “If you want it.”
I pulled her in, buryin’ my face in her hair.
My heart still hurt.
But for the first time, it hurt with company.
I could live with that.
Iknew I was fuckin’ up before April said a word.
