Page 79 of Marriage Most Scandalous
She stared incredulously at him. “Did you hear what you just said? A son of yours? Do you not realize that he no longer considers himself that? If your disowning him didn’t fix that in his mind, he arrived here to find—”
“Maggie, listen to me,” he interrupted rather quickly, as if he were afraid he might change his mind. “You’re his wife now, at least for the moment you are, and I’ve cut myself off from those I could have confided this to.”
“What do you mean, cut yourself off?”
“Deliberately, mind you. I felt I didn’t deserve to have a shoulder to cry on.”
She frowned, not quite understanding, and then she did. “Good God, you regret disowning him, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“Why didn’t you tell him? Why didn’t you tell your mother, for that matter, instead of living with her silence all these years?”
“Because I deserved her contempt, but even that wasn’t enough punishment. I wouldn’t allow myself the comfort she would have offered. Sebastian was gone. Nothing could have absolved me of being responsible for that.”
“You’ve regretted it that long?”
“Oh, yes. And I wasn’t even angry at him, I was angry for him, because I knew what he’d done would destroy him. But I let that anger get out of hand. Having a wicked hangover the morning of that dratted duel didn’t help, because I’d gotten foxed the night before over the entire mess with Giles. But once the fumes of anger left me, and my head stopped pounding, I realized what I’d said. Even then, I didn’t think he’d taken me literally. But when I went to find him to tell him I didn’t mean it—he was already gone.”
“You didn’t send someone after him?”
“No, I went myself. I’d guessed the right direction he’d taken, but his ship had already sailed by the time I reached Dover. I got passage on the next ship available, but—obviously I never found him. I’ve sent others more capable than I over the years, but it was as if he disappeared from the face of the earth.”
“Or changed his name, which he did. Now for God’s sake, Douglas, why didn’t you tell Sebastian all this while he was here?”
“Do you really need to ask, when you said it yourself? I wasn’t going to bare my heart, either. Not once did he appear willing to hear what I had to say on the subject. If anything, he was as closed as a sealed tomb when he was with me. He isn’t going to forgive me. Nor can I blame him, when I can’t forgive myself.”
Chapter 48
YOU’VE BEEN DAMNED MOODY SINCE WE GOT BACK,” Sebastian remarked as he listened to John slamming lids back on pots on the stove.
The kitchen was cold, despite all the cooking that had been done in it that day. What had been left to simmer on the stove for their dinner just didn’t heat a room of that size. The fire crackling in the hearth was too far away from the table as well. They should have moved the table closer to it, but Sebastian couldn’t seem to get up the gumption to do anything. Eight inquiries about jobs had been left with Maurice, the caretaker, but he hadn’t bothered to read any of the notes.
“I take my cue from you,” John replied as he came to the table with a bowl of thick stew.
“The hell you do,” Sebastian shot back. “You usually just try to distract me out of my dark moods.”
“Would it work this time?”
“No.”
“There’s your answer, and your dinner is getting cold. Or were you going to eat that bottle of brandy tonight?” John asked, eyeing the brandy in front of Sebastian.
“I’m thinking about it.”
That reply cracked a grin out of John, but it was brief. Sebastian had never seen his friend like this before. Sebastian had moods, but John was the optimist who could be depended on to pull him up from the depths.
“Spit it out, John.”
“The boy is unhappy. He really took to your grandmother and misses her.”
“And that’s what has had you making a nonstop racket for the last two days?”
John sighed. “I actually thought we would remain in England. Why, you might ask? Because you married Lady Margaret! You might not ever speak with your father again, but she is there and is reason enough to stay. If you had no intention of doing so, you shouldn’t have married her.”
“So,” Sebastian said thoughtfully, “you’ve been slamming things around because you are annoyed with my decision? Or because, like Timothy, you find yourself missing someone we left behind?”
John flushed angrily. “Unlike some people, I don’t deny I’ve met the woman I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with.”
