Page 91 of Sword & Shadow
His mind couldn’t fathom such a thing. “You mean that...Jonn will live for centuries?”
“Most likely. Especially if he and Evylin Bond.”
Thom couldn’t hide his scowl.
Ilain rolled her eyes. “What is it about you and your brother? Why can’t you ever be happy for him?”
He shifted uncomfortably, clasping his hands between his knees. “As the most powerful Mage in two centuries and a goddess incarnate, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Is that so? Hm.” Ilain tapped a finger to her chin, mockingly thoughtful. “Could that mean that darling Thom Deckard is jealous of his brother’s power and esteem? Oh, as someone who’s vastly more special than everyone else, how will I ever know?”
Thom gave her a chastising glare.
With a speed he hadn’t known she possessed, Ilain reached over and smacked the side of his head. “Don’t be an idiot,” she chided. “You’re a grown man. Get over your petty jealousies and recognize that what your brother does or doesn’t have isn’t a reflection on you.”
Rubbing the side of his head where her emerald ring had most assuredly left a mark, Thom glowered. “You don’t know what it’s like,” he spat.
“Don’t I?”
“How could you?” he said confidently. “You’re an incredible, fearless woman who’s never had to stand in anyone’s shadow. How could you possibly understand what it feels like to grow up withhimas your brother?”
Ilain’s gaze was fiery, though she remained silent.
Thom leaned toward her, keeping his voice hushed so that it wouldn’t carry back to the camp. “He’sperfect. That’s what I’ve heard my entire life. ‘Oh, look at Jonn, how brilliant he is.’ ‘What an impressive young man you are, Jonn.’ ‘You’re so wonderful, Jonn, I’ve named my bloody son after you.’”
He shook his head, the irritation of twenty-seven years festering. “And now—” He glared out into the darkness, staring into the dripping pines and rain-splattered ferns. “Now, he’s a damn Mage, and I’mstillnothing.”
The chirrup of night insects filled his ears. A long, charged pause echoed in the space between them. He stared at his hands, somewhat embarrassed. He’d never expected to find himself confiding in Ilain. From the outset, he’d seen her as vapid and annoying. Just what she’d intended, he now realized. And somehow, over the last week and a half, he’d come to trust her enough to reveal his darkest secrets to her.
Ilain sighed, resting her hands on her lap. “Well,” she said softly, “I stand by my earlier statement.”
Thom felt as though she’d slapped him again. He gaped at her, unsure what to say. He’d expected her pity, not her derision. “Are you heartless?”
She scoffed. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry you weren’t chosen by Allore himself to be one of his most powerful servants, but at least you can live your life however you want.”
Thom’s brows pulled together, unsure how to respond to that.
“Meanwhile,” Ilain continued sourly, “the rest of us have to go about our liveshopingto be as lucky as Jonn and Evylin, miraculously falling in love with our magical equal.”
Thom grimaced. Though he sympathized with her sentiment, she wasn’t privy to the full information regarding Deckard and Evylin’s relationship. “I wouldn’t consider them lucky,” he said.
“Well, I would,” she returned sharply. “Youdon’t know what it’s like, watching two people get everything you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.Youdon’t know how it feels to be constantly in the light, with every one of your actions scrutinized by those around you.Youcouldn’t comprehend how it feels when a man tells you that you deserve every happiness, expecting nothing in return—when he’s lovely and kind and handsome and everything youwishyou could have—you couldn’t begin to know what it feels like to ignore every urge within you and have to reject that love even if it’s the first and likely only time it will ever be offered.”
With his breath caught somewhere between his chest and his throat, Thom stared at Ilain. “You love him?” he muttered. “Ethenn?”
“No.” Her head whipped forward to survey the forest around them, jaw set. “I only wish I could.”
Thom scratched his head, trying to comprehend everything she’d said. No, he didn’t know what any of that was like. As the inferior second-born son, no one expected anything of him. He was granted freedom to do as he pleased. But it was that lack of expectation that made him feel so second-rate and unwanted.
Following her gaze, Thom sighed. “We’re quite the pair. An all-powerful Mage and a covetous wretch.”
“Don’t think so poorly of yourself,” Ilain said. “People like you; you’re just not willing to see it.”
“You don’t think Iwantto be liked?”
“No, because if you were—if you weren’t so wretched as you claim—then you’d have to let go of your bitterness.”
Thom thought he should be angry with her. It should hurt to hear such a demoralizing truth. Yet, he found himself studyingher anew. “You’re a strange woman, my Highlady Calder,” he said.
