Page 215 of Sword & Shadow
Thom wasn’t worthy. He’d always known that. He was less. And what lesser man could ever earn the respect of someone like the flawless, magnanimous Jonn Deckard?
Everything Thom had done had been an attempt to prove himself to his brother. Like some foolish boy, he’d thought that taking what he wanted was the only way of garnering it. Instead of helping Deckard foster his relationship with Evylin, he’d supplanted it. He’d tried to win Evylin’s favor, lauding their relationship over Deckard. He’d attempted to secure her affection to show Deckard his value. For if Thom could procure the heart of the woman Deckard loved, his brother wouldhaveto see his merit then.
What afool.
Thom’s wrists burned as he wriggled in his bindings. He tried to sit upright, his back muscles pinched from the great length of time bound against the bars. He used his feet as leverage, scooting back just enough to get a semblance of more comfort.
In the process, his shoulder bumped Ilain’s. Jostled, her head drooped, lolling forward at an awkward angle.
Thom muttered a curse through his gag. Ethenn glared at him from across the wagon.
Thom ground his teeth, ignoring the accusatory look. Then he dropped his head, leaning toward Ilain.
“Hey,” the guard grunted, “quit that.”
Dipping his head farther, Thom pressed his forehead against Ilain’s. He struggled against his ropes, slowly nudging her head back.
“I said,” the guard rose, “quit that!” He drew a club from beside his stool, advancing on Thom.
Thom growled and kicked out, connecting with the guard’s hand. The brute dropped the club, shaking out his hand. Thom took the distraction to complete his task, working Ilain’s head back against the bars just long enough for him to guide it to rest on his shoulder.
The guard surveyed them as Thom kept her head in place with his bruised cheek. The pressure sent jabs of pain across his face, but he deserved it. After what he’d done to her....
Deeming Thom’s subterfuge to be meaningless, the guard sat back down.
Thom could feel the stares of his comrades around him. He didn’t care. He settled in, keeping Ilain’s head from drooping again.
Guilt drew a heavy sigh out of him. Why hadn’t he let it go? Because of his own torturous disappointment, he’d ruined Ilain’s chances with Ethenn.
“We were never anything. But that’s more than you couldeverbe to her.”
Ethenn would never believe the truth now. No matter what she said, it would all sound like backtracking. Any excuse she used would come across as a play for his usefulness as a Warrior, not as a genuine interest in him as a man.
All because Thom was hurt.
He wanted to blame Ethenn. After all, the kid had struck first. But in reality, wasn’t it Thom who struck the first blow? Be it with words rather than fists, Thom had given Ethenn reason after reason to be angry with him.
Thom had taunted Ethenn about his relationship with Ilain. Ethenn knew of his feelings for Evylin, making him protective of Ilain—as any man should have been. And rather than telling Ethenn the truth, Thom had gotten angry.
It wasn’t Ethenn’s fault at all.
Everything came back to the same cause: Thom desired his brother’s respect, and he had never been man enough to earn it.
“I’m under no illusions about your worth.”
Ilain’s coppery-red hair tickled Thom’s face. He closed his eyes, letting her voice become his new conscience.
“People like you; you’re just not willing to see it.”
She was right.
Thom didn’t want to let go of the bitterness. He didn’t want to admit that he had friends and admirers. Because if he did that, then he’d have to accept who he was, and that would mean being less than Deckard for eternity.
No, not less than.
Different.
He didn’t want to be different. He wanted to be like his brother. His immaculate, steady, incredible big brother, whom he’d idolized since the first day he could remember. Anything less was...less. Inferior. Failing. Deficient.
