Page 189 of Sword & Shadow
“All my life,” he managed to eke out, “that’s all I’ve ever been: a shade of my brother. Stronger, more sincere, and far more determined, but still not good enough.”
Evylin glared at him, unsympathetic to his plight.
Thom’s lips twisted into a snide grin. Her repudiation, her scorn—that was always his fate. He shook his head at the irony. “He could never love you like I could,” he said accusingly. “He doesn’t have the capacity for it.”
Evylin lifted her chin. “I don’t want your love.”
“No one does,” he said, then pulled on the reins. “Don’t concern yourself, Evie. I won’t bother you with my feelings again.”
Leaving her behind, Thom spurred his horse into a canter. He joined Ethenn and Ilain, their conversation stalling with his added presence.
Ethenn eyed him with disdain. “Have a nice chat?” he asked.
Thom’s brows pinched together. Was that accusation in Ethenn’s voice? Perhaps seeing Thom and Evylin draw back had reignited his anger from the day before. “Quite,” he said flatly.
Ilain eyed him warily but returned to her previous conversation. “They say that the ancient Mages sent delegates south on the Veridus Sea,” she said to Ethenn. “Some believe they took the missing literature with them, but there’s no evidence to support that theory.”
“Do you believe it anyway?” Ethenn asked.
Slowly, Evylin approached. Thom blocked out the conversation. His mind reeled over and over, furious with himself and with Evylin. Why had she goaded him? Why couldn’t he stand down? He should have let it go. He should have lied, feigning an interest in Ilain.
Thom’s fingers tightened on the reins.What have I done?Evylin would surely tell Deckard of his indiscretion. Then he’d truly be condemned in his brother’s eyes.
A hollow pit opened in Thom’s stomach. He glanced at Evylin out of the corner of his eye. She rode straight-backed, ignoring him. It was clear. His rash tongue had caused the loss of both his brother and his closest friend.
Now, he truly was a loveless wretch, destined to spend eternity alone.
What have I done?
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
The anger dissipated first. It was the embarrassment and regret that plagued Evylin throughout the day.
Why had Thom said those things? He couldn’t mean them, could he? In all the time she’d known him, and even though she’d understood his jealousy and resentment toward his brother, she’d never believed that Thom could harbor feelings that were so...wrong.
A swift breeze cut through the camp, whipping up the smoke from the fire. It whirled, covering Evylin in its acrid stench. She coughed, her eyes stinging as she waved it away.
“Sorry,” Ilain said, lifting her hands and using magic to redirect the path of the smoke. Her sketchbook sat open on her lap while the food continued to cook in the pot. “I was distracted.”
“It’s all right,” Evylin promised, returning to her own distracted thoughts. She tugged on her rings, glancing around the rest of the camp. While Ethenn sat on the far log practicing flipping his dagger from one hand to the next in intricate spins, Thom lay under the canvas tent with an arm over his eyes.
He’d been appropriately somber after his admission. Clearly, he regretted it. But whether he regretted the revelation of hissecret feelings for the right reasons or for self-focused ones, she couldn’t tell.
Evylin drew in a deep breath. How had she not recognized Thom’s romantic regard toward her? All this time, Thom’s blatant insults toward Deckard’s character, his warnings of Deckard’s selfishness, and his suggestions that Evylin should move on—all of it held newfound clarity. Thom had been subtly trying to convey his affection to her. And she’d been foolish enough to miss it.
Evylin still couldn’t believe it. How could he entertain such desires for his brother’s wife? Even if Thom didn’t know of Deckard’s love for her—which she knew he did—how could he allow himself to foster those feelings?
Her fingers twisted around her rings. And how could he think she’d return them? Perhaps she hadn’t been able to return Deckard’s love, but she’d never given Thom any encouragement... Had she?
Evylin wanted to drop her face into her hands in misery, but she couldn’t allow herself to wallow. Not while Ilain and Ethenn were present. Instead, she berated herself silently.
How had this happened? Her brother-in-law was in love with her. Was it her fault? Could she have stopped Thom’s affection before it began? Or was she even to blame at all? Could it be possible that Thom’s feelings developed from his insecurities alone? She thought back through the entirety of their relationship, back through their travel with the Ephrian Army, to their duel securing her marriage to Deckard, to the first moment she met Thom in Hewitt’s smithy. Had there been signs even then of his attraction? She couldn’t say.
But then, Evylin had never been good at recognizing a man’s interest. She’d completely missed Prince Ephren’s revolting attempts at seduction in Banbury. Perhaps it was expected that she’d miss something as plain as Thom’s interest as well.
Evylin’s heart squeezed. What would Deckard say when he learned of this? He loved Thom, despite everything that had happened between them. He wanted the best for his brother. The discovery that Thom had betrayed him so completely... She didn’t want to think about how Deckard would respond.
Evylin tried to rationalize Thom’s feelings. Perhaps he didn’t mean it. He saw life itself as a competition with Deckard. Perhaps his affections were driven solely by his desire to best his brother. It was possible that he’d duped himself into believing he loved Evylin in an effort to overcome the inferiority he felt in the presence of his older brother.
