Page 67 of Empress of Ruin
What thefuck?
I turn to look at Killian, wondering if he’s fallen ill. I reach up a hand to touch his forehead—he swats it away, amused. “I’m not sick. Look back at the bed. Bottom of it.”
Frowning, I do so, and see a sleek black iPhone—newest edition—sitting in the middle of the dark bedding. It nearly blends in with its surroundings.
“What… is that for?” I ask quietly.
“You,” Killian replies. “It has the highest level of encryption in existence. Not publicly available, of course. Nobody can accessit except for you—not even me. Not even the best hackers in the world.”
Okay…“And… why are you giving that to me?” I’m more afraid than grateful. Killian has a reason for every step he takes.
Why thefuckis he giving a phone I can do all sorts of things on—ifhe’s telling the truth about not being able to access it—when my most recent escape attempt was just a few weeks ago? What’s to say I won’t use it to get back in touch with Tommy and run?
Except I won’t. I’ve put the kid in enough danger already, put himthroughenough by helping me already. I feel too guilty for everything I’ve asked of him to call again. I won’t speak to him for the same reason I won’t speak to Annalise; they’d both become pawns in the game I’m playing with Killian.
“Because monitoring every aspect of your existence, while calming and deeply satisfying tome, makes you miserable. And your misery doesn’t bring me any happiness.”
Selfish, in a roundabout way. Apropos.
“I understand your many… grievances with me. With the start to our relationship.” Killian spins me around and stares into my eyes. I feel trapped under the force of his gaze. It’s a physical weight, brushing over my skin, making arousal start to curl through my core. My body’s learned to respond to him, despite my efforts to the contrary.
“And with the night I made a tape of you, especially.” He runs his hands up my arms, lightly gripping my shoulders. “And for sharing the video with my enemy.” He brushes the back of his hand over my cheek. “I never intended for it to get out, and for that, I am truly sorry. For sharing it, I’m truly sorry. But I can’t apologize for making it. It was the best solution I could think of to keep you alive.” I lower my eyes to his chest, unable to tolerate his searching stare any longer. Even talking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable, like somebody’s scooped out my insides with a rusty spoon.
Below the sea of pain, I recognize this moment for what it is:monumental. He’s issuing an apology, agenuineapology for his actions. It’s not half-assed or insincere—I can hear the ring of truth to his words. He means them.
“I can’t change what I did, but I can balance it out. So. You’re going to strip me, handcuff me to the bed, and make a film ofme.Not of us, just of me. On a phone nobody can access aside from you.”
I meet his gaze again, startled. Am I hallucinating? There’s no way Killian would cede this sort of power to me. He’ll let me make a sex tape of him? One I could release—actualleverage to ruin his life and career?
“What?” I whisper.
“Consider it my apology,” he says. “I might hold much of the power in life, Lyra, but I’m powerless before you. I want you with a desperation that steals the air from my lungs, and I want you to want me.” He cups my cheek. “I think you do, but you won’t reallyletyourself, will you? There’s too much bad blood.” He brushes away a tear I hadn’t realized fell. “Consider this my official apology and attempt to make amends, Little Bird.”
“I…”don’t know what to say.Part of me wants to refuse altogether; this isn’tme.I don’t blackmail and gain leverage on people to control them.
But his words, his tone, hisintentionsstrip me bare. And, as twisted as his offer is, it also feels right. It feels…equitable, even if it’s not.
“I will never let you go. But I want you towantto stay. I’m well aware that I’m a difficult man. That I’m cold, controlling, and callous. But foryou…I’ll try to be better. Starting now.”
“I want more freedom.” The words escape my lips before I can think them through. Suddenly, his apology has turned into a negotiation, and the tension bunching my muscles makes mefeel like I’m sitting across from him at a boardroom table, taking him on.
So far from the colony ant he used to call me.
“Within reason,” he agrees. “Until this business gets cleared up, you travel with me or with security that’s always within arms-reach. It’ll die down once the tribunal’s over.” Concern flickers through his eyes, there and gone so fast I’m almost sure I imagined it.
“I want your word that, no matter what, you will never use Anna against me.” I miss her terribly, I want to see her again, but I know I can’t. Not unless I’m sure it won’t put her in Killian’s purview.
“She’ll never be in any danger from me or mine,” Killian agrees.
“And I want you to startasking, not demanding.”
“Fine.”
“And I want to go on birth control—”
“No.” He shakes his head. “We both want children. I won’t let your concerns hold us back.”
“I’m young—”
