Page 70 of The Puppet Master
“Are you okay?”
Zephyr rubs my back, her concern for me making me even sicker. There are no screeches for the young woman who just ended her own life, no sounds of grief. It’s the outsider puking that has their attention.
This is normal for them.
My hand collects sweat as I rub my hair back.
The woman’s red eyes. Her pale face.
She was ill.
“Sawyer,please, stand up.” Zephyr bends so she can whisper toward my ear. I hear her voice from the first night I found a baby abandoned in the forest.
Our society only has room for those who bring us value. That’s how we stay strong.
They have no room for the elderly. Or the sick. Or the babies.
“Sorry,” I force out, wiping my bottom lip. “I think I ate something bad.”
Zephyr sighs and helps me up. I can’t get away fast enough as she walks me back along the path, her hand on my back like I’m a child who still has use.
“It must be tough getting used to the food here,” she says, her voice sweet but cautious. A warning of sorts. Like she’s scared I’d speak out about what I just saw.
For most of the walk back, I hunch just to keep up the food poisoning appearance that can’t possibly fool anyone. Zephyr tries to take my hand, but I pull it away. I don’t want her to feel it shaking.
My mind doesn’t stop spinning. And I realize this is why I haven’t done a better job of learning the cult’s practices. This is why I’ve let things go over my head.
Because I don’t want to know. Ireallydon’t want to know anything that goes on in this godforsaken compound.
I think about the girl who just…
I think about Wilcox’s initiation.
I think about the babies.
And though I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t, I think about Luna. The more days I spend with her, the colder I get.
She’s a job. A distraction from a job, really.
It isn’t my fault that she’s here. I didn’t kidnap her. I didn’t choose her. Whatever fate lies in front of her is out of my control and out of my conscience.
I’ve told myself this a hundred times. Every time she sleeps facing me, her face soft and guiltless, I flip over. Every time she tries to start a conversation, I steer it away from anything personal, anything revealing.
I hold her hand, but I would never let her hold mine.
I kiss her lips, but the moment I feel her relax, I pull away.
I am her ‘initiator’ only because I must be. I’m doing this only because I have no other choice. I promised myself I would never slide back into what could even beconsideredhuman trafficking, and as far as I’m concerned, I haven’t broken that promise.
This is fake. It’s pretend. It doesn’t count.
I don’t want to know what will happen to Luna when the game is over. I truly don’t.
But I’m caught in a moment of weakness when Zephyr and I reach the training house. She waits for me to walk inside, a frown on her face, concern in her eyes.
“I need to ask you something,” I say, knowing I shouldn’t.KnowingI shouldn’t. I’m transported back in time to a year ago, thinking about all the decisions I could’ve made differently. All the ways I could’ve protected my island if only my conscience hadn’t gotten in the way.
I’ve been accused of being a sociopath, and though I resent it, I wish it was true. Morality is a curse.
