Page 38 of Shattered Crown
"You keep telling yourself that."
I didn't take the bait. Instead, I settled into the armchair across from him, studying my brother over the rim of my glass. Xavier looked... off. His usual easy charm was still there, but his eyes looked tired. His smile didn’t reach his eyes either.
It made me weary. What mess had he gotten himself into now?
"What do you want, Xavier?"
He took a sip of his drink. "Can't I just visit my brother?"
"At midnight? Uninvited?" I raised an eyebrow. "You only show up like this when you want something. So. What is it this time? Another gambling debt? A woman's husband looking for you? Legal trouble?"
Xavier looked away. His chest rose and fell. And when his gray eyes met mine again, they looked haunted.
"Nothing like that." He swirled the scotch in his glass, watching the amber liquid as it caught the light. "I just... I've been thinking."
"Dangerous pastime for you."
"Ha." The laugh was hollow. "Yeah. Maybe."
Silence stretched between us. The grandfather clock in the corner ticked steadily.
"Do you ever wonder," Xavier said quietly, "when it's going to change?"
"When what's going to change?"
"Everything. This." He gestured vaguely at himself, at the room, at the air around him. "I keep waiting for something. I don't know what. A moment. A person. Something that makes everything click into place. Something that makes me want to be... better."
I stared at my brother. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never heard him talk like this. Did something happen? Was someone after his life?
"Xavier..."
He held up a hand. "I know what you're going to say. 'Grow up, Xavier. Take responsibility, Xavier. Stop wasting your potential, Xavier.' I've heard it all before." He drained his scotch and set the glass down. "That's not what I'm asking."
"Then what are you asking?"
He was quiet for a long moment. He just stared into space. He looked younger, more like the brother I remembered from before, before the gambling, before the women, before the endless parade of scandals.
"Did it ever happen for you? That moment when everything changed?" He asked.
I thought about it. Really thought about it, past the automatic deflection, past the walls I'd built around anything resembling genuine emotion.
Had there been a moment? A person? Something that made me want to be better? An image flashed through my mind. Dark hair. Blue eyes. A woman who made me want to pull my hair out and devour her at the very same time.
No.I shoved the thought away. That wasn't what Xavier was asking. That wasn't relevant.
"I don't know," I said honestly. "Maybe I'm still waiting too."
Xavier looked up. Met my eyes. "That's surprisingly honest of you," Xavier said.
"Don't get used to it."
He laughed. "I wouldn't dream of it." He stood, stretching, reaching for his shoes. "I should go. It's late, and you've got work tomorrow."
"Xavier." He paused, one shoe half on. "That moment you're waiting for? It'll come. It always does. Just... try not to miss it when it happens."
He studied me for a long moment. Then he nodded. "Thanks, Seb. For not lecturing me."
I shrugged. "The night is young."
