Page 44 of Colin (The Doherty Mafia)
The dinner and our ‘date’ had just made everything worse.
It had given me a glimpse of what it could be like if we were an actual couple.
It turned out that I couldn’t really sleep at all. No matter how hard I tried, sleep evaded me.
Colin slept soundly beside me, spooning me with his arm around my waist. All night, I stayed awake listening to his soft but heavy breathing in my hair.
My mind whirled with thoughts of us together. How good we looked when we stood together at the mirror before dinner. How people turned to stare at us at the restaurant, no doubt admiring how good we looked as a couple.
Then, there was the matter of his family. Even though I couldn’t brag that I’d spent a lot of time with them. I really liked what I saw. His sister and sisters-in-law were fun to be around, and they made me feel like I’d known them forever.
Even his brothers who I’d expected would be hostile towards me, were not. They were strangely accepting. They made me feel like I could rely on them if I needed to. Just the way Colin made me feel too.
But I had been trained to mistrust them. I had been told that these were evil criminal people. The reason I was here in New York, collecting evidence against the family was because I was trying to bring them down.
Colin tightened his grip on me, sleeping peacefully while my thoughts went around in circles repeatedly.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to scratch at the walls with my bare nails. Do anything to make these thoughts stop.
I knew I had feelings for this man I was lying next to. The man who had his arms around me and kept me warm at night. The man whose ring I had on my finger.
I was sleeping with the enemy—and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I was with him because I was falling in love with him, but there were secrets I was keeping from him.
I had come so close to walking away.
Maybe if I’d hurried and left the apartment when I still had time, Aldo Baron and his men wouldn’t have stormed in and locked me in. Maybe then, I would still have had a choice. I could have been back in Las Vegas, away from all this.
Instead, I was lying naked next to him while I had already agreed to work with Aldo.
He knew exactly who I was. He knew what I had been doing. He’d been watching us and looked into my background, putting two-and-two together. Aldo put me in a position I couldn’t back out of.
And maybe I should have been happy to work with Aldo so we could join hands in bringing down the Dohertys.
But I wasn’t happy.
None of this brought me any joy.
Somewhere along the way—I had lost all interest in doing my job, and now I wondered if I would make a good wife instead.
By the time the sun rose and Colin woke up, my head felt heavy and I hadn’t slept at all.
He leaned into me, covering the side of my face with kisses and snuggling into me.
This reinforced the idea I battled all night—what the heck were we doing here? Were we falling into some kind of messed up domestic bliss that would suck me in? That would make it impossible for me to get out?
What did he even want from me?
I knew what I wanted from him—information. What did he think I was doing here? Was I just a sex toy to him?
For him to play with and use for as long as he wanted? And once he was bored with me, would he just throw me away?
I was cold with him and didn’t reciprocate the hugs and kisses he showered on me this morning.
He must have sensed something was wrong because the previous night after our dinner, we had amazing sex and everything seemed normal.
“Why don’t you stay in bed this morning and I cook you breakfast?” he suggested, jumping out of bed.
I sat up, pulling my limbs up and feeling exhausted. Maybe I would have thought more clearly if I just had some sleep.
I said nothing while he whistled a tune under his breath. I watched him put on his jeans and then go to the kitchen, leaving me naked in bed.
I was still fuming.
I was furious with myself for being such an idiot.
For falling for a man who was clearly using me. Wasn’t I using him too?
But that wasn’t important, because I was trying to do the right thing, right? I was trying to fight crime.
By working with another criminal?
I couldn’t justify it even to myself—no matter which way I tried looking at it. Everything felt wrong.
My career and my work had been the center of my world for years. This was what I had worked towards. And by developing feelings for Colin, I risked throwing it all away.
