Page 55 of Risk It All
“There’s been this tension between us ever since he got into town?—”
My best friends both interjected with, “Oh, we know,” and, “Yeah, we’re well aware.”
“—and it just snapped.” And now I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And how much I wanted a repeat of that night. Thathadneverhappened before, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
“Uh, yeah,” Lily said matter-of-factly, “because you’re both freaking hot.”
“You two don’t think that it’s weird I dated his brother?” I asked warily, looking between my best friends for any signs that maybe I’d done something wrong. I hadn’t felt any guilt or shame after sleeping with Leo, but in the days that followed, I wondered if maybe I should have. I also wondered if Leo had any regret, because after all, Colin was his brother.
They both shook their heads, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There were a handful of people whose opinion meant the world to me—Lily and Jules were near the top of that list.
“Not at all. You and Colin broke up, and if for whatever reason he has a problem with it, that’s on him. You don’t owe him anything,” Jules said.
“No, not at all,” Lily agreed. “If you and Leo decide to sleep together again, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that, either.”
I looked over at her, my brows creasing. “You think that’s a good idea?”
Lily let out a gentle laugh. “I’m not answering that, but I think that’s up toyouto decide. It might be good to talk to him about some of your concerns and get on the same page.”
I groaned. “But I hate talking. That’s why casual is good—there’s very limited talking.”
“Has Leo said anything?” Jules asked.
I shrugged. “We haven’t really had time to talk that hasn’t been at work. He didn’t give off any vibes that he regretted it. If anything, I think he’d be open to sleeping together again.”
I thought back to the electricity and tension from Friday’s shift that I hadn’t been able to shake. The brief encounter in thewalk-in fridge, followed by what he’d said while we were eating tacos.
My issue is that I want you moaning.
Immediately after he’d said that, my body buzzed with desire.
“I don’t regret anything, but I also know it’s different for him,” I said. “He and Colin don’t have the best relationship, and this might drive them further apart. Colin was always weird about Leo and I talking, but I never crossed any lines when I was with Colin. Leo has always been easy to talk to, and we had a handful of conversations, but when I was with Colin, he was my focus.”
“We know,” Lily assured gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re single. Leo’s single.” She paused before speaking again. “You and Colin have talked here and there. Do you have any interest in getting back together with him?”
“Not at all.” I leaned forward, setting my half-eaten crumb cake on the table and pouring us each a margarita. I got comfortable on the couch again and took a healthy sip from my glass.
“My relationship with Colin was fine, but it’s honestly part of the reason why I’ve stuck to casual since then,” I admitted. Lily had heard bits and pieces of my relationship with Colin while we’d been dating, but I hadn’t ever told her the full story. I wasn’t sure why—I normally told her everything. Maybe part of it was that I was embarrassed over some of the things I put up with.
“What happened?” Jules asked softly.
I exhaled before saying, “It was like the things he liked about me at the beginning—what he told me got him to come over—he started to dislike over time. I felt like he enjoyed the idea of me more thanme. I also got the sense that he wanted me to change things. He never straight-out told me or made me do anything, but he’d make comments about some of the things I’dwear or ask about what Iactuallywanted my career to be or suggest I stop bartending. He said he didn’t want to watch his girlfriend flirting with people, but I wasn’t. I like flirting when I’msingle.” It was almost like Colin was waiting to catch me in some sort of lie, but I’d never disrespected him or our relationship.
“We had the most fun together when we went out, but even then, I feel likehewanted the attention from other girls,” I continued. “He also wanted me to open up to him quickly, because he’d shared things with me right away, but I just wasn’t ready for that. I’m not someone who opens up right away.”
Jules reached for my hand, squeezing gently. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
I shrugged. “It wasn’t that bad. People have gone through way worse in relationships.”
“Doesn’t mean you have to minimize it,” Lily said, her eyes glistening.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It all felt…I don’t know. Silly? And I felt stupid for putting up with some of the things he’d do or say.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Lily leaned over, hugging me from the side. “I’m glad you told us now. And as much as that experience sucked, I don’t think you should let him taint your perception of relationships. You shouldn’t hold yourself back from being with someone because ofhim.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I know. But I don’t want a relationship. It’s just easier to be casual.” Admittedly, I didn’t want to go through that again, and while being in another relationship might have been better, there would always be an element of wanting the other person to change. No one was perfect.
And then there was the element of eventually losing that person.
