Page 23 of Soft
I wasn’t proud of it. I’d registered the look on Paxton's face in the half-second before I bolted. Even in the middle of my own spiraling, I’d felt bad about leaving. He hadn’t deserved that response.
Paxton had been honest with me. He’d been kind about finding the man who might handle his career dreams dressed in Little clothes at a kink party.
And I had responded by scrambling to my feet and leaving the room as quickly as my body would carry me.Great choice, Grizzly.
A soft knock at the door pulled me out of my own head. I considered not answering, but the knock came again. I had no doubt the person on the other side was prepared to wait as long as it took.
"Come in," I called out.
The door opened and Monty stepped through, his hair disheveled like he’d been tugging at it. He was carrying two small cups that I recognized as the kind Jake kept in theplayroom for juice. They had thick bases that were harder to tip over and attachable sippy cups or bottle lids.
Monty crossed the room without making a production of it and held one of the cups out to me. I took it, drinking the cool liquid down immediately. Orange juice, cold and sweet, hit my tongue.
I was absurdly grateful for him coming up. Especially now that my Big mind had taken the reins from Little me. I wouldn’t have been able to explain to someone who wasn’t into our lifestyle how much small, thoughtful things could mean when your Little side was overwhelmed.
Monty settled onto the edge of the bed across from me and held his own cup between both hands. He looked at me without saying anything right away. It was such an odd moment given he was always in a hurry to fill silences.
"I'm not going to tell you that was fine," he said eventually, "because it wasn't. But I’ll tell you it was understandable."
I took another sip of the juice. "I ran away from a man who was being nothing but kind to me. I know it wasn’t fine."
"You did," Monty agreed. He wasn’t going to sugarcoat it, which was another thing I appreciated. "You also just had a significant thing happen that you were not prepared for, on top of everything else you've been managing. Your reaction made sense, even if the execution wasn't ideal."
"I’ve never done that before," I said.
He grinned. "There’s a first time for everything."
"That isn’t the comfort you think it is."
"No, probably not." He worked to suppress his smile, though he did a piss-poor job. "How are you doing, actually? And don’t lie. I want the truth."
I took a moment before answering, because I was genuinely trying to figure it out. "I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared. And part of me keeps insisting that I shouldn’t be here at all—like I told you before. That negative voice is saying that coming tonight was a mistake, and that I have no business entertaining the idea of any of this."
"The idea of having a Daddy is what you mean."
"Yes, but also the idea of having a Daddy who is my client, and who is much younger than me, and who is going to have a very busy professional life that is only going to get busier, and who doesn’t know that the person he's apparently been picturing as his Little is going to go blind." The words poured out like a tsunami, crashing into the room all at once.
Monty was quiet for a beat. "You haven't told him."
"I haven't told anyone. I’ve been moping at home on bedrest until today. You were the first person I texted when I thought of leaving my house. I told you when I got here because you wouldn’t let it go.”
“Awww. I feel so special.”
Rolling my eyes, I continued talking as I gripped the cup in my hands tighter. "I haven't figured out how to say it yet. Not in a way that doesn't make it the only thing about me."
"It's not the only thing about you. There’s so much more to Grizzly than a diagnosis. Please tell me you get that."
"I know that. Of course I do. But this news has a way of becoming the focal the moment it enters a conversation, and I would rather people know me before they know that." I paused. "Or I would rather someone want me before they find out, because then at least I know the wanting was real."
The words sat between us. I realized how much truth was in them, along with how much fear was packed underneath.
Monty set his cup down on the nightstand. "Can I say something, and will you actually hear it instead of immediately finding reasons why it doesn't apply to you?"
"I’ll try."
"That man downstairs didn’t come to this party to network. He came because he wanted to find you… Well, to find out about the scene here so he could one day bring you. He told Jake that much before he even saw you. When he found you already here, that was it for him. I know ‘cause I was watching." He gave me a moment for the words to sink it. "And I have been around long enough to know the difference between a Daddy looking for fun and the way Paxton Wells was looking at you."
I thought about how Paxton had come and sat on the floor across from me. The way he had lowered himself down and folded his hands in an almost submissive state. The way he had saidPaxiand how he lit up talking about his friends.
