Page 28 of Her Envy

She is here.

She got you.

She is here while everyone else left you.

And eventually, my body allows me to drift away.

When I wake, it is dark outside, and El is cuddled up in my arms.

I really shouldn’t.

We shouldn’t.

I know exactly where this will end.

A broken promise to myself.

Hurt feelings.

Tears.

Pain.

And another identity crisis.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, my head throbbing.

Instead of exploring who I am, I am becoming someone else.

Someone for everyone.

There’s the version I am for Jane, the pretend-interested student.

The loaded party girl I pretend to be with El.

After years of being a pretend friend for a girl who knew nothing about her real life and how important she was.

I don’t even know why I do it.

All I ever do is pretend.

But maybe that’s me?

Maybe that’s all I can do, pretend.

But those moments with El?

I feel so alive with her.

I feel like I don’t have to pretend.

That I can just have a life.

I could just be.

And with that, I turn back with my arm wandering around El as I pull myself close to her.

El moves and turns around. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes. Sleepy, but those eyes are beautiful in any form.