Page 84 of Forever is the Sweetest Con
I realize that we must be about halfway, because the shore from which we left looks about the same distance as the shore that we’re heading to.
It’s all terrifyingly far away.
The lake looks so much bigger here in the middle than it did from the shore. In every direction, there’s just this huge expanse of water, stretching farther than I care to acknowledge. I look back toward the beach, but it’s completely out of sight. A cold thud of dread hits me when I realize how far we’ve drifted.
“Hey Sue-Ellen,” I call. She has a considerable lead on me at this point. Show-off. “Look,” I say, pointing back. She looks, and then turns and squints back in the direction we’re heading.
“Shit.” She comes to a stop.
Kei has almost caught up to me, and when he does, we make our way to Sue-Ellen together.
“Should we go back more that way?” I ask, pointing in the direction of the beach.
Kei shakes his head. “Going against the current will just be harder.”
“And it will add more time and distance to the swim,” Sue-Ellen adds.
“Let’s just keep going until we hit land. Then we can double back along the shore. We’re better off on land than in the water.” Kei’s voice is weak, like there’s something caught in his throat.
“Are you okay?” Sue-Ellen asks.
He nods. Thumbs up.
“Okay,” I say, trying to sound agreeable, and not absolutely terrified, which is what I am. Kei’s subdued energy is freaking me out. Plus, this is already so much longer and further than I’ve ever swum, and my muscles are screaming. My back and neck are rigid with stiffness that won’t abate, even when I change strokes.
The chilling thought hits me that if I can’t make it to the other side, then I can’t make it back to where we started, either. I might not make it out of this lake at all.
Fear-induced adrenaline gives me a surge of energy. My body is working again, but my mind goes to a dark place. I realize that the night Garrett came back, my body wouldn’t let me process everything that he said. It was too much—too much fear, too much shock, too much shame.
So much shame.
It happened to me again. A million red flags, waving boldly in front of my face, but me looking right past them, only seeing what I wanted and needed to see. Just like I did with Dylan.
It was too much to handle that night, when Garrett was spelling it all out. Accordingly, I shut down. But now the full force of it is coming at me here in this lake, igniting a sense of self-loathing so caustic that I’m suddenly questioning this fight for survival. If I live, I still have to be me, and that seems less appealing than my other options.
As I pound through the waves, I start to think about my mother. How will I tell her that we’ve lost the house? The worst part is that she won’t even be mad at me. Her anger would be a gift, but she won’t give it. She’ll feel bad for me, she’ll try to comfort me, and it will make me hate myself even more.
But what will happen to her if I drown in this lake? I imagine her answering the door, seeing the policemen there. Maybe she’s holding a coffee mug, the one that says “Jingle all the way,” which she uses year round. I can see her dropping the mug, the porcelain shattering on the concrete of the step, when she hears the news. Will she remember to take her meds? Will anyone check on her? Will she be alone when they show up to repossess the house?
Fear gives way to panic. I feel my breath shorten, turning into a series of shallow gasps. No, no, no, this can’t be happening right now. I remember something my mom’s therapist taught me to do with her whenshe was extra anxious, to get her out of her head. Five things I can see, what are they? Water, rain…All I can see is water, in every direction.
Four things I can touch: water. Fuck, again, only water.
I can’t do this. My lungs are on fire, and I need oxygen.
And then my limbs seize up as a cramp rips through me. I cry out, but I’ve slipped underwater. I burst back to the surface, looking frantically for Sue-Ellen or Kei, but I can’t see them. I don’t know what direction I’m facing anymore. I flail, and I slip back under.
Maybe I’ll just give up. Maybe I’ll just stop fighting, and let the lake take me. I stop moving, letting myself sink down, down.
Everything goes quiet.
Yes. This is nice. This is fine. This is better.
And then—
Black.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
