Page 91 of A Castle in the Sky: Fern & Connor
“Sometimes I don’t sleep.” She spoke carelessly, but her eyes remained fixed on him. “I feel like one of those wind-up dolls that keeps going on and on. Sometimes I have ten thoughts at once and every one of them is brilliant.”
“And at other times?”
She gave him a bored look. “At other times I can’t get out of bed. I need a fix.”
Dr. Scott didn’t look up. Instead, he turned another page.
“There’s a section here,” he continued, “relating to your substance use history.”
Matilda leaned back, stretching her legs out slightly. “Is there?”
He glanced up briefly, then back to the file. “Yes. It’s… extensive.”
Matilda gave a short laugh. Not defensive—almost proud.
“Yeah,” she said. “It is.”
“Alcohol misuse. Cannabis. Benzodiazepines—diazepam, alprazolam. Cocaine. Amphetamines. MDMA. Prescription opioid misuse noted intermittently.”
He closed the file gently and peered at her through his glasses.
“When did this begin?”
Matilda tilted her head, as if considering how much truth to offer.
“Depends what you count,” she said. “Alcohol was early. Everyone drinks. Weed after that. The rest… ” She shrugged. “Came later.”
“How old were you when you first used substances?”
“Fourteen, maybe fifteen.”
“And the pattern since then?”
“On and off.” A small smile. “Mostly on when things get… interesting.”
“Define ‘interesting.’”
Her eyes flicked to his, amused. “You’re the psychiatrist. I need to leave something for you to figure out.”
“I’d prefer your version.”
Matilda rolled her shoulders. “When I can’t sleep. When everything’s too loud. When everything’s too slow. When I’m bored. When I’m angry.” She paused. “When I want to feel something.”
“And when you want to not feel something?”
She didn’t answer immediately.
Then: “That too.”
Dr. Scott nodded once. “Were you using substances in the days leading up to the incident in Sale?”
“Yes.”
“What specifically?”
“Alcohol. Weed.” She seemed to think back. “A bit of coke.”
“How much alcohol?”
