Page 81 of Cross Checked
CADE: say it, Pip
My entire body went hot at the command, even through a screen. I stared at the message until the letters blurred slightly.
Then I typed before I could lose my nerve.
ME: I don’t want to stop looking back
The second I sent them, panic shot straight through me.
I threw the phone onto the mattress like it had bitten me and sat up fast, heart slamming, breath caught somewhere high in my chest. My cheeks were burning. My hands were shaking. I almost grabbed the phone back and followed it up with something stupid to soften the impact.
I almost grabbed the phone and followed it up with something stupid to soften the impact, some pathetic little excuse that made it sound less true than it was, because the second the words left my phone, my survival instincts tried to drag them back. I wanted to say I meant it as a friend, or theoretically, or for science, or blame some temporary hormonal possession and pretend my body had stolen the phone from me. Anything to make it less naked. Less honest. Less impossible to take back.
CADE: yeah?
I made an actual sound. A terrible one.
A strangled little half-laugh, half-whimper that would have gotten me bullied by both Aura and Charm if they’d heard it.
ME: don’t make me regret being honest. You have no idea what it’s costing me to go against everything I have sworn I would never do
CADE: never
The word landed so simple and steady that it knocked some of the panic loose inside me.
Then another message came through.
CADE: but I need to know what you mean when you say that
My breath went thin.
CADE: because I know what I mean
Holy fuck.
The room felt warmer instantly.
I pressed my knees together beneath the blanket, furious at my own body and even more furious that Cade could probably guess exactly what he was doing to me from across town.
ME: I think you know
CADE: I want to hear you say it
ME: you’re bossy over text too?
CADE: only when you like it
I stared at the phone, mouth parted, heart punching at my ribs.
ME: you’re very confident
CADE: I’ve been paying attention
ME: to what?
CADE: the way you stop breathing when I lower my voice
CADE: the way you look at my mouth then pretend you didn’t
