Page 290 of Cross Checked
Endlessly.
Like my body had become something leaking grief from every seam.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I whispered.
My voice sounded tiny in the chapel. I hated that. I hated sounding small. I had spent so long making myself loud enough to survive that small felt like surrender.
“I know I’m supposed to be strong,” I said, wiping at my face with both hands even though more tears came immediately. “I know that’s like, the whole thing, right? Survive it. Keep going. Make jokes. Don’t break where people can see it because then they get scared and then you have to comfort them too.”
My breath shook.
“But I can’t do this one.”
The words cracked open, and once they were out, I couldn’t stop them.
“I can’t. I can’t add him to the Book of Nevers. I can’t write Cade’s name in there. I can’t have a Never for him. I can’t have never kiss him after a game again. Never hear him call me Pip. Never steal his coffee. Never fight with him about him being emotionally constipated with cheekbones. Never wake up with him. Never let him love me out loud because I was scared and stupid and thought we had more time.”
My chest hurt so badly I pressed one hand against it.
“I have been strong for so long,” I whispered. “I have been so strong. I buried my mom. I survived Luke. I kept breathing when I didn’t want to. I smiled through things I should’ve screamed through. I kept everyone else from falling apart because if they knew how bad it was, they would’ve broken too.”
The candle flickered, and I looked at it until my vision blurred.
“So, I’m asking You for one thing. Please.” My voice broke completely. “Please don’t make me survive this too.”
The chapel door opened softly behind me.
I froze.
Not because I was scared, but because grief had made me too raw to be witnessed. I wiped at my cheeks quickly and turned, expecting Aura or Dad or Knox.
But two strangers stood just inside the doorway.
No.
Not strangers.
I knew who they were because Cade’s face existed in both of them in pieces.
Harrison Mercer stood tall and severe in an expensive dark coat, silver threading through his hair, his expression controlled so tightly it looked carved there. Beside him, Elenore Mercer looked nothing like the cold woman I had imagined from Cade’s stories. She was pale and trembling, one hand pressed against her mouth while tears slid silently down her face.
Knox stood behind them. His eyes found mine first. “Bug.”
I stood too fast, and my knees nearly buckled. Harrison moved like he might catch me, then stopped himself, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed.
That one tiny hesitation wrecked me.
Elenore looked at the MERCER across my chest, then at my face, and whatever composure she had left shattered.
“You’re Bliss,” she said.
I nodded because my voice wasn’t working.
She crossed the small chapel before I could decide what to do and wrapped both arms around me. For one stunned second, I went completely still. Then I hugged Cade’s mother back while she cried into my hair.
It should have been awkward. It should have been strange. I should have thought about the fact that Cade had described his parents as distant and polished and cold enough to turn entire rooms into museums.
But Elenore Mercer did not feel cold.
