Page 58 of Secret Heart
He laughs, completely unrepentant. He twists his wrist, and another of his tattoos becomes visible, this one of the smallshore of one of the mountain ponds near the ranch. Realization hits me like a damn hoof to the chest.
“Ethan Taylor, are all of those tattoos places you’veknotted?”
His gaze is devious this time, though the mirth is still there, too.
“Jesus, Ethan. That’s wild even for you.”
“Probably,” he admits. Then he focuses on me, and he’s back to being the stalwart older brother. “So what’s bothering you about registering as a pack? It’s not something you swore you’d never do, like going to one of the Matching Galas.”
The words just tumble out.
“What if registering… I don’t know, is a jinx? What if something awful happens because we filled out the paperwork?” I tip my head back. “I know it’s illogical, but it’s there. Even though I want him, want us to be a trio in truth. What if I say yes and then I lose all of them anyway?”
Ethan hums, the sound more thoughtful than anything else.
“When I fucked it up with Brielle…”
He trails off, raising an eyebrow in silent question if I remember. I don’t even blush at the memory of punching him hard enough to split his lip. He deserved it, and we both know it. I give a single nod in answer.
“What you don’t know is the reason she left,” he says. Slowly, I shake my head. I’d never actually heard the details about the fight they’d had that had pushed Brielle to leaving for Jackson and me having to race across the town to double-check he hadn’t killed himself. He nods once, his lips thinning. “Yeah, the thing I did? I couldn’t tell her in the moment that she was enough for me now. That I loved her as fiercely as I ever loved Kayla and that she wasn’t competing with a ghost. I...” He sighs and looks back out over the calm lake. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and steepling his fingers. “I thought that by tellingher the truth, I’d lose Kayla. And I was terrified of messing it up with Brielle and then I’d end up losing them both.”
My stomach clenches, and empathy wells in me. “Oh.”
The word is a cracked whisper, but it tells Ethan more than any long-winded soliloquy could between us. His lips flick up for a heartbeat before the stoicism returns.
“Yeah,” he says. He laces his fingers together and sighs. “Lucky for me, I had a pack mate who was able to talk some sense into me after putting me to bed like I was the damn toddler. But that’s not the point.” His eyes go a bit unfocused. “The thing is, Em, that all we can do is make a decision today about what we want our life to look like. Focusing on what’s already happened leaves us missing out on what’s happening right now.”
“I know that,” I grumble.
He chuckles, his eyes warming a bit. “Yeah, well, we also don’t know what tomorrow holds. All you can do is decide what you want the future to look like and work toward building it. Whether that’s Triston somewhere in his own place with Penny splitting her time or if it’s the three of you as a trio under one roof here. That reality doesn’t depend on registering. You could live the next fifty years as a trio happily registered. You could also choose to tell the Council fuck all and we could lose one of you in some freak accident the way we lost Brandon. There’s no way to know.”
I can’t help but flinch. Every day Beau goes out and works with the cattle, I have that fear in the back of my mind. Molly’s not as aggressive as the bull that killed Brandon, but she’s terrifying enough. And that’s not even mentioning the fact Triston gets on the back of them to make money.
“I can’t believe I’m admitting this,” I whisper. And then, fast enough I can’t think about the words, I say, “I’m scared.”
It’s freeing to finally admit it, even if it’s a bit mortifying that it’s with my brother.
“I know.”
“What if I get it wrong? It’s Penny who will have to live with the fallout.”
Ethan only nods. “I was scared, too. Absolutely fucking terrified.”
He leans over and bumps his shoulder with mine. Neither of us say anything for a long while. The sun slowly rises, cresting over the horizon and splashing across the lake, turning it a mixture of orange and yellow. Birds slowly awaken in the trees around us, chirping and flitting about. A deer cautiously approaches the lakeshore across from us, her ears flitting as she assesses the danger. At her hip is a fawn, just now old enough to start losing the spotting along its back.
“It’s not even the fame,” I whisper.
Ethan grunts. “It’s not? I saw how you handled those gossip articles after going with him to Jackson. You haven’t braved going into town since the Baileys wrote about it.”
I grimace even as I shrug. “Well, notjustthe fame, then. I’ve seen others adapt to attention. That Fallon Omega matched with a completely normal pack, remember?”
Ethan chuckles.
“What?” I’m undeniably crabby now.
“I didn’t realize you paid attention to pop culture that much.”
“Everyone knows about the Fallon heirs matching,” I grumble. “Especially after Violet Montegue’s research breakthroughs with the scent match blood markers.”
