Page 25 of Range
Safe no more, I concluded, inhaling the peppery cologne on his skin.
While I loved the woodsy undertones, I didn’t feel compelled to savor the fragrance. It didn’t belong with the others, contained in small vials for delayed consumption that presented instant and often gratifying effects. Seemingly, my head had already processed what my heart had only learned in depth tonight.
Kason is far from forever.
Champagne was presented.
Our appetizers arrived.
Our mouths were filled.
Our bellies were stuffed.
Still, nothing felt real. Tangible. True.
My engagement night would establish the foundation for the rest of my life with the man who’d asked for my hand in marriage. Currently, I was on rocky soil. Preparation hadn’t been made. The ground hadn’t been examined. The gravel hadn’t been cleared completely. The soil hadn’t been overturned in anticipation for seeding.
There was only Kason and his vision for the final garden. So much work had gone undone. And, I refused to agree to a marriage with a man who hadn’t done the groundwork. Who didn’t see the rootwork as necessary. Who glamourized the idea of marriage and partnership and a garden without getting dirt underneath his fingernails from conditioning the soil, pulling out weeds, and inspecting the ground for threats to the health of his crops.
I wanted a husband.
I wasn’t desperate for a husband.
There was a difference, and it helped clear the water we were both underneath. Kason was safe. His occupation, his lifestyle, his community, his involvement, and his personality.
Safe.
Safeness was comforting. It wasn’t convincing. Because, along with safety, there were faults. Faults that kept me at bay. Kept me from falling. Kept my eyes wide and my heart intact.
We were fun.
We were uncomplicated.
We were enough, for now.
My heart broke at the realization that the rug had been ripped from under us. With my pride in the palms of my hands, I slipped from Kason’s grasp and slid into his sleek, black foreign beauty.
Words were few. Chatter had been trimmed to a minimum. Everything had been undone. Kason’s admission of marriage had fractured the faulty foundation and revealed the truth that lied beneath our aesthetics, good sex, and closeness.
The moment the stereo blared in the background, filling the air where silence once lingered, Kason silenced it. I could hear the saliva rolling down his throat as he rewet his mouth. Words were at the tip of his tongue. However, he was finding it difficult to bring them to the surface.
I deepened my position in the passenger seat, digging my bottom into the leather. Kason’s discomfort wasn’t contagious. Yet, it had the potential to ruin a good night.For him.
“Why?”
There it was. The question at the tip of his tongue finally emerged.
“What is it? Why can’t you marry me?”
“I won’t be an option for the man I am destined to marry, Kason. I will be a factor. A very big fucking factor. A decidingfactor. A calming factor. A wavering factor. A known factor. Lovely factor. An unpredictable factor. A beautiful factor. And, sometimes, an aggravating factor, but a factor, nonetheless.”
“You are a fa–”
“I’m an option in your world. And in the world of a man where I am reduced to being an option is nowhere I want to spend the rest of my days. I’m a lot of things, Kason, but I’m no fool. I won’t sign my love away for the sake of being someone’s wife. I’m fully aware that there are better people out there–for you and for me. I won’t fight for my position in your life, and that’s what’s been happening here.
“I say where… when… how… that’s my life. That’s been my life. And, it will continue to be my life. That’s not the life I live with you. Our time together is always dependent upon your availability, tiredness, and whatever other factors that keep me wondering and guessing if you’ll have time, make time, or avoid time with me.
“I deserve a yearner, Kason. One who waits for me by the door after my shift. One who has his phone glued to his palm because he is afraid to miss a call from me. One who clings to every syllable from my lips. One who wants to know more even long after my story has concluded because he just wants me to keep talking… keep dreaming… keep asking… keep confirming… keep venting… keep remembering… keep feeling.
