Page 78 of Worth Loving
“Come on, Dean. Look at me. Look at me right now. Just like this. Head to toe. If I had come into the bar looking like this that night you’d have given me my drink and that would be the end of it. If I came in two more times you’d probably forget about me. I’m a pretty forgettable person.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m not forgettable now. But just tell me the honest truth. I walk into the bar like this for the first time and order a drink, what do you do?”
His silence told her everything she needed to know.
“So you came back a few more times to test it out? I guess that’s part of your job, isn’t it? Testing a theory and I was your lab rat?”
“Of course not. That last time I was there. You were flirting with someone and I realized what a big mistake it was for me to be there trying something I always wanted. I was going to pay and leave when you were out back, but you returned andyouasked me out. I was stunned and almost said no, but then figured what would it hurt?”
“What it hurt was you’re living a lie,” he said. “I let you into my son’s life and I don’t even know that you are two different people.”
“I’m not. It’s clothing. That’s it. I mean what we talk about, what you see of me when we are together is completely how I am. The clothes are different and they give me the confidence I always seemed to lack in the rest of my life. But then, after we ‘started over’ it all changed. I don’t need to wear that stuff to be confident around you. You and everyone else made me realize that.”
“Everyone else? Like your sisters because it’s not your coworkers.”
She sighed. “Yes. My sisters. They know. They said it all along. It’s clothing and it’s normal and natural to dress for success. But then, when you see me now. A lot of it is my clothing just worn differently. That second date. Those pink pants. That white T-shirt. Those shoes. They were mine, but worn differently.”
His eyes moved over her baggy sweater. “You’d cover the T-shirt with something like that? So you’d get taken seriously at your job?”
“I never thought of it that way. I could lie and say yes, but I’m not going to lie about that. I think I hid behind clothing to be forgotten. I was honest with you about how my father treated me, and my mother now. And recently I realized I don’t have to do it anymore.”
“Then why continue to dress like this at work?”
“Everyone knows me here like this. I tried different clothes, mixing it up, but nothing drastic. Just like that date with you. My clothes, but the white T-shirt was just a bit too much here. It’s not professional.”
“And did anyone even notice?” he asked. “When you changed things up?”
Her lips flapped when the air gushed out of them. “They did. And they made comments. They were making me uncomfortable and bringing attention to me. I’ve always had negative attention and it was... frightening again. Or overwhelming. I had to explain myself and I don’t like doing that either, yet I’m doing it with you. I just wanted to be me and not have people comment.”
“What do you mean negative attention?” he asked almost snarling. Like he was going to defend her? Was that possible?
“Someone made a joke that I might be trying to get a guy’s attention in the lab. It was a joke. I knew they weren’t serious but I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I want to do my job and not have people comment at all.”
“Life doesn’t work that way. People always run their mouths. Why not just take a stand? You haven’t had a problem doing that with me.”
She threw her hands up. “I don’t know if I could with anyone else. With you, I guess because you’ve only ever known me as someone else. I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes filling. “I’m not trying to deceive you. I just tried to change everything I hated about myself for years and it never stuck. And then it did. And when I tried it here, I just kind of felt like I was taking steps back and didn’t want to lose the happiness I’ve got.”
“I hear what you’re saying. I want to believe you. But it’s really hard. You know how difficult it was for me to let you into Jonah’s life.”
“I know. It’s just clothes,” she said. “I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about it.”
“Because you admitted in the beginning that it was more than that for you.”
He wasn’t wrong.
“But then it changed for me over a month ago.”
“Then tell me that. Tell me how you did it. Tell me how funny it was. Or ask me my opinion. That’s what people in a relationship do. They don’t let the other be blindsided like this.”
She picked up a tissue and blew her nose. “It’s difficult to wipe away years of what has been done and said to you.”
He was quiet. As if he were thinking.
As if he were processing and believing her.
“I suppose that makes some sense to me now, thinking back.”
