Page 61 of Elite Player
“Do you ever think about after? What you want? With your life?”
“After hockey, you mean?”
I nod, and he takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts, driving through the green light to Old City. “I don’t know. I know I’m not headed for the Hall of Fame or anything, but hockey’s really the only thing in my life I’ve ever loved. Is that weird?”
“No. Photography is the only thing I’ve loved.”
He purses his lips, tugging at the back of his neck, and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him off-kilter. The question really threw him. “I never liked to think of it, what happens after. Scares me, if I’m honest. I guess that’s why I’ve been…living my life to the fullest.”
I snort a laugh. “Having sex with everything in sight?”
“Careful, Jojo. You almost sound jealous.”
I cross my arms, refusing to give in to his flirtations. I’mnotjealous. Yet, it sort of sounds like I am when I ask, “What about after this fake engagement is over? You want to get married and have kids?”
At the next red light, he turns to meet my gaze, eyes dipping momentarily to my mouth. “I haven’t noticed you biting it as much.”
“Hm?”
“Your lip.”
I touch said lip. “What are you talking about?”
“All day, I didn’t see you do it once.”
“All day? You weren’t watching me all day, during the event.” Right? It wasn’t possible.
And yet, he huffs and focuses on the road once more, both hands on the steering wheel. “I’d like to get married, yeah. I rarely saw my parents being together, so I don’t know how naturally being married would come to me, but I would try. I’d like to try to find what they didn’t have.”
No one would ever know it, but I think Nico’s lonely.
Like me.
We’re kindred spirits.
I faded into the background while he took center stage, both of us looking to fill the void in different ways.
“Children?” I ask, and he shrugs.
“I’m ambivalent, but I think that means no, right? If you can give or take them, that’s probably a sign you shouldn’t have them. My parents were ambivalent about me, and that’s a shitty way to bring a kid into this world.” He exhales harshly like he’s ridding himself of bad vibes and turns the question around on me. “What about you? You want to be married with kids?”
I’ve never had anyone ask me flat out what I wanted for my future. I haven’t been on enough dates to get that far to see if our goals aligned. So it’s funny it’s my fake fiancé to whom I’mtalking about this. “I adore kids, and genuinely loved the time I spent working in childcare, but I don’t think my own are in the cards. I have too much to unravel about myself, and I can’t be sure that I’d have anything left to give a child. Besides…”
I swallow, taking a moment to pause and really consider if I want to admit the next bit. But Nico and I have always been honest with each other, so I tell him, “Even if I wanted to have children, I doubt I’d find anyone who wanted to have them with me.”
Nico slowly turns to me, jaw tight, eyes drifting over my face before finally speaking through gritted teeth. “They really fucked you up, didn’t they?”
“It’s not?—”
“If you want a husband, you won’t have a problem finding one. Your family and that goddamn town had you believing you couldn’t, but Jo…” He heaves a sigh and rips his hat off his head to stab his fingers into his hair. After a second, he settles himself then tries again. “You’ve spent your life trying to blend into the background on purpose, and I think if you let yourself step out, let yourself be noticed, you’d have no problem. Or, maybe I should say, men wouldn’t have a hard time finding you.”
And was that jealousy inhisvoice? Like he doesn’t want people finding me.
I try for humor. “I need to find a date before I can think about a husband.”
He chuckles humorlessly. “Too bad I’ve got you locked down for the next few months. Your boyfriend hunt will have to wait.”
I don’t know what to say about his sudden irritation or the pinprick of happiness clawing its way out of my chest because heisjealous. So instead, I’m the one to place my hand on his thigh.
