Page 69 of Romantic Hero
‘Second of all, on behalf of Taylor, how dare you?’
‘You’re a Swiftie?’
‘I’m a man with working ears and a beating heart, ain’t I?’
River sits down on the bench beside me, his voice softening.
‘Thirdly, this – coming here –Josie. This is the big one. You know it is. You told me you’ve been trying to do this for years. You keep on trying, again and again. So it’s clearly important to you.’
My eyes well with tears. ‘It is. I’m desperate to go inside. I want to be there with her, I do. But … I’m scared. I’m genuinely fucking scared, River.’ I use my fist to wipe away the tears that have started to spill over. ‘I know she’s gone, of course I do. But it’s an abstract sort of reality. A surface-level fact. Josie’s dead! Josie died. And I can just about handle it if I think about it that way.’ I meet his gaze. ‘But the moment it seems like I’m actually going tofeelthe fact that she’s gone? I … seeing an actual grave? Knowing that she’s … right there, but also very definitely not. That’s …’ I press a hand to my heart, which has started fluttering like there’s a tiny bird in there trying desperately to escape. ‘Hang on. My heart’s being weird.’ I rub at my throat which feels suddenly tight. I start gasping. ‘Can’t breathe. Oh fuck. River, I can’t breathe properly. I can’t—’
Without a word, River slides across the bench and deftly hooks me towards him, squeezing himself against me tightly, one hand splayed firmly on my upper back, the other gentle on the back of my head.
‘Whatareyoudoing?’ I mumble into his chest.
‘Deep pressure helps when you’re having a panic attack,’ he explains. ‘Keep breathing.’
A panic attack?
‘I’m not dying?’ I choke out.
‘No,’ River says, the deep reassuring sound of him vibrating through me. ‘You’re safe. You’re safe with me. Just breathe. I’ve got you.’
He squeezes me so entirely that I can hear his heart, slow and steady against my ear. I use it as a metronome, breathing in time with it, letting my shoulders drop and my throat loosen. A few minutes later my own heart starts to settle back into its normal rhythm.
As the panic fades away I breath in deeply and find myself wondering how it’s possible that River’s shirts smells so sexy when he’s been using my bog standard ‘cotton fresh’ detergent to wash them.
He must hear me sniffing him because he gently stops the squeeze and sits back. ‘Better?’ he asks, touching his hand lightly to my upper arm.
‘Better,’ I nod. How did you know to do that? The deep pressure thing?’
‘The animal behaviourist Temple Grandin discovered that applying deep pressure to cattle in a squeeze machine helps calm them down prior to being handled, and sometimes before slaughter. She figured out that it works on humans too.’
‘They slaughterhumansin your universe?’
River laughs so loudly it makes me jump. ‘Of course not. Those Bedlam books of yours would be a very different genre if we did.’
‘I knew what you meant,’ I say, cheeks reddening because for a moment I totally didn’t.
After a few more moments of silence, River leans forward on the bench, arms resting across his knees. He sighs. ‘You know, when my mother passed, I didn’t go to the funeral.’ He swallows, wincing as if it hurts. ‘I went to a bar instead. Got drunk as a skunk. My daddy told me how disappointed Mom would have been in me, especially since her drinking was what put her in the ground. Told me I was an embarrassment to the Oakley name. But even then, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew that the most important thing to my mom had always been that I was happy. Sure, she’d have scolded me for getting drunk and missing her funeral, but she’d have understood it. She’d have understood that that was the only way I knew how to deal with my grief in that moment. I might not have had the honour of meeting your Josie, but from the way you talk about her? The stories you tell me? I get the impression that she would understand why you hadn’t visited her yet. And she might have given you shit for it, but at the end of it all, she’d just want you to be well and happy. Whatever that looks likefor you. Not her. Not your parents. Not Henry. Just you.’
I nod slowly. ‘She did want that. To the point of bossiness, actually.’ I laugh quietly. ‘Whenever we were ordering pizza, she’d ask me what toppings we should get. I’d always say, “I don’t mind, whatever you think is best.” God, it used to wind her up. She’d say, “But what do youactuallywant, Gertie? ‘Cos if you don’t pick something I’m gonna get plain tuna with an extra helping of tuna.”’ I turn to him. ‘I hate tuna.’
‘So what do you actually want to do right now?’ Riverasks me, green eyes imploring. ‘Because if you need to leave, we should leave. We’ll figure something else out.’
‘I want to talk to my sister,’ I say with a shaky breath. ‘I’m just not sure I’ve got the courage.’
River stands up from the bench and holds his big calloused hand out towards me. ‘Iknowyou’ve got the courage, Gertie. But I also happen to have a little extra of my own, if you’d like to borrow it? You know, just for back-up?’
I take his hand.
*
Kneeling on the parched ground at the foot of her headstone, I run my thumb over the engraving of the J on the cream marble.
‘And according to Facebook, Auntie Mags is still in a battle with her next-door neighbour about the planning permission for the orangery. I actually think she secretly enjoys the drama of it, to be honest with you. Righteous indignation is a hell of a drug. Oh, and I finally watchedCon Air! You were right – it was an all-timer. I don’t know why I kept putting it off. But I do not agree that Sean Connery is hot. I’m sorry, but no way. His voice is weird. What else, what else to tell you? There’s so much!’
I take off my sunglasses and place them onto the grass beside me. On the other side of the cemetery I spot River stopping to read every memorial before moving on to the next. I’ve been sitting at Josie’s headstone for half an hour now. I can feel the top of my head burning in the harsh glare of the sun.
