Page 42 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
‘I assure you, my tips are one hundred per cent effective in any day and age,’ she sniffs, folding her long arms in front of her bosom.
‘Er, I don’t think so,’ I grump back.
Valentina looks between us, a most entertained grin on her face. ‘The familial resemblance isuncanny.’
My face buzzes with heat. I need to go for a run, shower, clear my head, get the hell out of here.
‘Can I go now?’ I indicate the door.
‘I really must be going too,’ Valentina says brightly. ‘It was so lovely to see you both. A particularly wonderful surprise to see you, Jessica.’
As I open the door, Valentina close behind me, Grandma suddenly gasps and calls out, ‘Wait! Both of you. Just a moment. Don’t go! I canprovethat my tips will work in this day and age. I have an idea! I will − I willshowyou how!’
Valentina’s face melts into a sympathetic grimace. ‘I really am sorry, Matil. I truly am. It’s simply not possible. I hope that you can—’
‘It is possible!’ Grandma frantically shouts out over Valentina. ‘Jessica here will help me to prove it!’
‘Excuse me?’ I say.
‘Beautiful Jessica?’ Valentina narrows her eyes for a moment before nodding. ‘All right, go on.’
Grandma glances at me and takes a step towards Valentina.
‘If we could use my tips to transform Jessica into the epitome of a Good Woman, then surely that would absolutely prove that the guides work and are worth republishing.’
‘Well, that’s the daftest thing I’ve ever heard,’ I scoff. ‘And pretty fucking presumptuous, to be honest.’
Grandma flinches at my swear, but ignores me and continues addressing Valentina as if I’m not even in the room.
‘We would fix poor Jessica’s look, work on her manners and poise, her feminine skills, how to behave around a good man . . . ’
Manners? Matilda Beam is the one who needs a lesson in manners!
‘My look is cool!’ I cut in. ‘And trust me, I have plenty of feminine skills.Plenty. Jeez.’ I turn round once more to leave the room when Valentina calls me back.
‘Hold on a second, Jessica.’ She puts a finger to her chin thoughtfully. ‘Continue, Matilda, I’d like to hear this.’
I stop short. Valentina islisteningto her? I snort, shaking my head in disbelief.
Grandma goes on. ‘We could use my first book,Matilda Beam’s Guide to Love and Romance, to help find Jessica a good man who will fall in love with her.’
‘And create a book about that experience?’ Valentina ponders. ‘So … a dating bible? Avintagedating bible showing women how to use techniques from your guides in the modern day?’
‘Quite.’ Grandma nods slowly, sensing Valentina’s renewed interest. ‘Exactly that.’
‘God, not vintage again,’ I grump, trying to keep my patience. ‘No offence, but surely everyone knows by now that vintage is just a trendy word for “old shit”.’
‘Actually, Jess, our most recent non-fiction bestseller was a wonderful vintage afternoon tea cookbook,’ Valentina informs me with a wry smile.
Vintage afternoon tea cookbook?That might be the grossest, twee-est thing I’ve ever heard.
‘The vintage angle is very hot right now,’ she confirms. ‘Cleverthinking, Matil.’
Valentina leaves me standing by the door and settles back down on the sofa, seemingly no longer in a rush. She pulls a pencil and a black Smythson notebook out of her handbag. She doesn’t write anything in the notepad, but points her needle-sharp pencil in the air.
‘Hmm. What about …How to Catch a Man Like It’s 1955?’ she murmurs after a few seconds.
I look at her blankly. Grandma absolutely beams.
