Page 26 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
Oh, wait. No. There doesn't appear tobe a lift.
‘Knobs and bollocks,’ I grumble to myself, dropping the bin bag on the floor in despair. I cry to the heavens: ‘Knobs andbollocks.’
I hate stairs at the best of times, but with all this stuff too? It’s going to be so haaard. Mr Belding snuffles in agreement.
A door to the left of me opens and the head of a short, curly-haired man pops out. He looks a little younger than me and is wearing a starchy white doctor’s coat alongside his confused expression.
‘Can I help you?’ he says in a melodic Scottish accent, examining me and my wares with a suspicious frown.
‘Oh, yes please,’ I say. ‘I’m looking for the lift. Do you know where it is?’
He clears his throat. ‘Um, this place was built mid-nineteenth century. It’s stairs only.’‘Knobs. And. Bollocks,’ I grumble again as my worries are confirmed. ‘All this stuff is so heavy.’
‘You can’t say knobs and bollocks in here!’
‘Oh? And why is that?’ I peer at him. ‘Are you the boss of the whole building?’
‘Um, no.’
‘Then why?’
‘Well, because this is Doctor Qureshi’s cardiothoracic clinic. We’re treating people with problematic hearts. I don’t think those people want to hear “knobs and bollocks” being wailed outside the door when they’re already anxious and unwell and have quite enough to worry about.’
He lifts his chin a little.
‘Oh,’ I say, guilt sweeping over me. ‘Yeah, I can see how that might be a bit annoying for them. I’m sorry. No more swearing. Are you Doctor Qureshi?’
‘No. I’m Doctor Abernathy. I work for Doctor Qureshi.’
‘Right. Cool. You fancy helping me with these bags, then?’
‘No, not really. I’m very busy at work – wait, who on earth are you?’ He narrows his eyes.
‘Your worst nightmare.’ I answer.
I say this mostly because I’ve always wanted to say it and this seems like as good a time as any. Also because I still seem to be a tiny bit drunk.
‘Hmm, yes, I thought so,’ he mutters, before leaning forward to peer at my boobs, eyes growing wide with astonishment. What the hell is this? What is he doing? I mean, to be fair, mine are pretty awesome boobs and have drawn many an admiring glance, though never so overt. Gross. He’s really staring. What a megaperv. I throw him my finest withering glance. ‘Ugh.’ I spit.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, leaning in further still. ‘But … do you know that there’s … there’s acatin your jacket?Wearing a hat?’
Aha, he’s only spotted Mr Belding. Not megaperving. I peek down and see Mr Belding’s little face popping out at the top of my coat. I give his ears a little tickle.
‘Yeah, thanks for the heads-up, Doctor Seuss. You know, I don’t even know why he’s there.’
‘Sorry,what?’
‘I mean, I don’t know why I brought him here. I adopted him with my friend, but then I got a bit pissed and I was mad at her so I just kind of … took him.Anyway,don’t worry about all that. Will you please help me with my stuff?’
The doctor looks at his watch before stepping out of the clinic door and closing it gently behind him.
‘Fine. But this does not make me an accomplice to the animal theft.’ He takes the bin bag and the laptop bag and leads the way up the stairs. ‘I will expect you to testify to that.’
‘I’ll swear on the Holy Bible that you knew nothing about it,’ I reply solemnly as Mr Belding snuggles himself back down into the soft satin lining of my jacket and dozes off. ‘Unless they offer me some kind of lighter sentence deal.’
‘Great, thanks. So you're going upstairs to see Old Lady Beam?’
‘I am. She’s my gran.’
