Page 20 of Big Sexy Love
‘A full bottle for you! Are you sure?’ the hostess responds in a perfectly clippedaccent.
Hmmm. Is she judging me? Is it weird to be having a whole bottle of champagne to myself? I know it probably is but, like Dan said at the airport, when in doubt, ‘booze is theanswer!’
‘I’m, er, celebrating,’ I blurt out to the air hostess before I can stopmyself.
‘Fantastic!’ she says, with a wide approvingsmile.
There. Justified! Hah! No one can judge anyone for having champagne forcelebration.
‘What are you celebrating?’sheasks.
Oh.Uh…
What am I celebrating? Nothing. Nowt. I have nothing celebratory going on in my liferightnow.
On the TV in front of me Larry David is in a jewellery shop buying a ring forhiswife.
‘I, er, just got engaged?’ I blurt, my unexpected words tilt up at the end as if I’m asking aquestion.
Whatthehell?
‘Wow, amazing!’ the air hostess says, a little more loudly than necessary. Her eyes sparkle. She actually seems genuinely chuffed for me. ‘Well in that case the champagne isonus!’
‘Are youserious?’
‘Oh, of course! Our first-class passengers are very important to us and you’ve just made one of the biggest, most exciting decisions ofyourlife!’
‘Yes. I… suppose I have! Brilliant.’ I smile, feeling a flicker of guilt at my lie that disappears quite quickly at the thought of more angst-reducing champagne and the fact that it’s going to be for free. This is totally the kind of thing Birdiewoulddo!
I laugh at the thought oftellingher.
‘Ah, are you thinking of him right now?’ the air hostess says, digging into her trolley, taking out a small silver bucket, filling it with ice and popping open a massive bottle ofchampagne.
‘Yes,’ I say with the kind of dreamy/smug combo smile I imagine an engaged personwouldpull.
‘What’s his name?’ she asks, putting a crystal flute onto my table and pouring a stream of the sparkling amber liquidintoit.
‘Colin. His name is … Colin,’ is what pops out. I go with it. ‘Yeah, um Colin…Collins.’
Oops.
‘You don’t sound so sure!’ she giggles. ‘Colin Collins? What anunusualname!’
I giggle too. I’m not a natural giggler. I sound weird. Like an engaged person. ‘I’m still in shock,’ I say. ‘He did it this morning at the airport. Spur of the moment. Didn’t even have chance to get a ring!’ I wave my naked left hand in her direction as if I’m provingsomething.
Why am I lying, still? I have my champagne. I got what I wanted. I am behaving like apsycho.
The woman congratulates me again before making her way off down the rest of the aisle where absolutely nobody else is obnoxious enough to order a whole bottle of champagne all tothemselves.
I tuck into my bubbles with a sigh of delight. Okay. I just have to drink this and watch the whole series ofCurb Your Enthusiasmand soon I will be in New York, I’ll find Chuck Allen, deliver the letter, come home and get back to normal life, safe andsound.
I’m about to put my headphones back in when the ding sounds out of the cabin speakeragain.
‘Hello this is your captain speaking,’ comes thevoice.
My stomach dips and my head quickly runs through all the scenarios she could be about to announce. We’ve run out of fuel, we have to do an emergency landing, someone is holding her hostage in the cockpit, the blow up slide has got a puncture, the cast ofFriendshave definitively announced that they will never ever ever do aFriendsmovie.
But no. It’s an altogether different kind ofdisaster.
