Page 83 of Big Sexy Love
While they’re making introductions, I notice that there, in the corner of Mrs Ramirez’s flat, is all my stuff. Piled up in a jumbled, unorganised way, nothing in its place. And while ordinarily the sight of such disorder would freak me out, today it seems so inconsequential compared to what else is going on. Like the fact that I’ve completely failed Birdie and I have no earthly idea how I’m going tofixit!
‘I need some air,’ I mutter, leaving the room while Anders dramatically relays to Mrs Ramirez the story of how I ended upinjail.
Out in the hall, I get into the elevator and am about to press the button for the ground floor when I notice the button at the top.Roof Deck. Before I can psyche myself out of it, I place my finger on the button and push. If I’m about to call Birdie and let her know that I’ve not found Chuck, I can at least go and see the view from the roof like she asked. I can fulfil that promise to her. Even if it does scare the living shit outofme.
When the lift comes to a shuddering stop, I really really really want to press the button that will take me back down. But I don’t. I exit the elevator, walk up the corridor towards a door marked ‘roof’ and, with trembling hands, I push it open. I’ll just step out for thirty seconds, have a little peek at the view Birdie was so excited about and then get back inside tosafety.
But what I see when I step out onto the deck makes me suck in my breath, my heart filling withwonder.
The early morning sun is rising in the cornflower blue sky, casting a pink, orange and yellow glow over the buildings so that they look almost golden. Stretched out ahead is acres and acres of greenery and the gorgeous, lush trees of Central Park, and beyond that is the shimmering silvery blue Hudson river set against everlasting skyscape. New York City is waking up right in front of me, getting ready for all of the amazing moments that are going to happentoday.
I take a few steps forward and take a seat at one of the teal painted chairs set out for residents of the building. My legs are wibbly at the thought of being so high up. But I am okay. I breathe in and out through my belly. And it works. Everything is okay. I am safe on this seat. I am safe here inthesky.
A gentle breeze whips its way through my messy hair and my eyes fill with exhausted, overwhelmed tears. I look out over miles and miles of city and shake my head at its magnitude. In that moment it occurs to me that I’m probably safer up here than anywhere else in the world right now. Everything that could possibly go wrong here has done. And at the end of it all, I’m still going to lose my best friend. And I’m fucking terrified. That’s the worst thing in the world. What else do I have to be afraid of? Thereisnothing else to beafraidof.
Before me, the sun bursts right out into the blue sky as if to say ‘Here I am!’ It’sglorious.
Imagine if I hadmissedthis.
Imagine if I had never got to see this because I wanted to stay in my safe littleworld.
Even from the other side of the earth, Birdie’s making my lifebetter.
I bite the corner of my lip, take my phone out of my pocket andFaceTimeher.
Her face flashes up on the screen, bright and happy. ‘Hello, my Brewster. What is happening? Ooh, where are you? Wait – why are you not on theplane?’
I swallow hard and take a deepbreath.
‘I have some bad news and somegoodnews.’
Birdie nods, eyes widening. ‘Goon.’
‘Right. Well the bad news is that the man at Chimes Investment was not Chuck Allen. It was Chuck Ellen. With an E. Oh, and also I got arrested, spent the night in jail and missed myplane.’
Birdie’s eyebrows shoot up so high they almost disappear into her hair. ‘What the fuck? Olive! Oh my god. How?Why?WHAT?’
I tell her everything, unable to believe what is coming out of my mouth, that any of it actually happened. When I’m done, Birdie runs a hand through hercroppedhair.
‘Okay. That’s enough, Olive. Come home immediately. Come home. Get a flight. I will book it now. Get here. Shit. I’m so sorry for sending you over there! It’s my fault you’ve gone through all this. Ithoughtthat—’
‘Hush!’ I interrupt her. ‘You haven’t heard the goodnewsyet.’
‘What? Whatisit?’
I grin, my heart lifting. ‘Number one, I am on the roof. And you were right. It is amazing. Scary, but not as scary as I thought. In fact, nothing that’s happened has been worse than what I’ve imagined in my head. And number two, I’m going to find that elusive motherfucking ChuckAllen.’
Birdie shakes her head. ‘Olive, listen, seriously, don’t worry about it –wecan—’
‘NO. I said I was going to do it. I promised. And I’m going to do it. I just need a few more days. And I will back before yoursurgery,okay?’
Birdie looks panicked. ‘But you got arrested? Your eyes look all wild and glinty. What about work? Whatabout—’
‘Don’t worry!’ I say with a laugh. ‘Unclench, whydon’tyou!’
Birdie presses her lips together, a delighted smile inhereyes.
‘You’re a nutcase,Brewster.’
