Page 64 of Big Sexy Love
Stay here? I don’t have my stuff. I don’t have my pyjamas. And what about Chuck? I’ve already been here for three days and I’ve still not delivered the letter. What if he’s not there tomorrow? I can’t let Birdie down. Ipromisedher!
My heart thuds very slowly. I can hear it in my head. Boom. Boom. Boom. I feel like I’m going to be sick. Shit. I think I’m having a panic attack. I fumble in my bag distractedly for my bottle of Rescue Remedy. But it’s not there. Of course. It’s in the pink bumbag back at theAirbnb.
I close my eyes, willing this uneasiness to bugger the hell off. Ugh. It’s horrid! I haven’t had a real panic attack for years. But then, not much has happened to me for yearseither!
‘Hey. Hey, Olive!’ I hear Phyllis’s voice saying my name, but it sounds all echoey and weird and I can’t focus. Then I feel something sharp and painful onmyarm.
‘Motherfucker!’ I yellinpain.
‘There you are,honey.’
My vision comes sharply into focus and I look across the booth where Phyllis is staring at my worriedly, Seth by her side wearing the exact sameexpression.
‘Did you… did you just pinch me?’ I gasp, rubbingmyarm.
‘Yeah,’ Phyllis says with a nod. She takes hold of my hand. ‘You’re having a panicattack.’
I nod, my heart still thudding slowly in my ears. I feel all hot andqueasy.
‘I want you to focus on my face,’Phyllissays
I nod and focus on Phyllis’s tanned,pointedface.
‘That’s it,’ she says. ‘You are okay. Everything is okay. Say it back to me,honey.’
‘I am okay, everythingisokay.’
‘Great! If I relax, thiswillpass.’
‘If I relax, thiswillpass.’
‘That’s correct! Now, I want you to watch me and I’m going to breathe in for four and out for four and I want you to copy me. Breathe in right from your belly, honey. Nice andslownow.’
Holding Phyllis’s hand, I copy her as she breathes in and out. As we breathe and count, Seth leaves the booth, but I barelynotice.
I’m not sure how long we’re breathing for, but I feel my heart speed back up, my cheeks feel less warm, my shoulders less scrunched. I’m okay. Everythingisokay.
‘That’s it,’ Phyllis says in a soothing voice. ‘Thereyougo.’
I wipe my wet hair back from my face. ‘Wow. Thank you. How did youdothat?’
‘Fuckin’ anxiety. I used to have a lotofit.’
‘How did you get ittostop?’
Phyllis shrugs. ‘It still visits occasionally. The best I can do is work at prevention. I’ve had to learn to relax with meditation and yoga. You can’t just expect it to go away on its own. You feelingbetter?’
I blink, smiling inrelief.
Phyllis returns to the bar to serve the customers who now seem to be taking this storm as a signal to hunker down and get even more day drunk then theyalreadyare.
Okay. Everythingisokay.
Except I now have less than thirty-six hours to find Chuck and deliver Birdie’sletter.
I reach into my satchel and pull out myphone.
I need to speak toBirdie.
