Page 6 of Big Sexy Love
‘ChuckAllen.’
My mouth drops open. Chuck Allen is the man who broke her heart in her ‘hometown USA’. The one she mentioned in her note to me that day we first met in the library. He was supposed to be coming to England with her to study in Manchester, but at the last minute accepted a place at Princeton and stayed in the US. Birdie couldn’t afford the tuition there, so came to the UK alone and heartbroken. I don’t know much more about Chuck than this. Birdie always got tearful when I asked, told me he was ancient history and changed the subject to something moreupbeat.
‘Why are you thinking abouthim?’ I ask. ‘Don’t we hate him?Ihate him. I don’t know him but he made you sad. So I superhatehim.’
Birdie smiles sadly. ‘No. I never hated him. He did break my heart though. But he’s been on my mind a lot these past fewweeks.’
‘Don’t think about Chuck Allen!’ I say, taking hold of her hands. ‘Think about happy stuff! Like Doctor BJ’s leg-sized arms and nice coffee and shit performance art and YouTube videos where two species of animals are best friends, and glittery things… and gettingbetter!’
Birdie sighs, her smile dropping for a moment. I mentally punch myself in the face. We both know she’s not getting better. The surgery she’s having on her kidney in two weeks will hopefully give her more time, but beyond that, it’s prettyhopeless.
‘Sorry,’Isay.
‘Don’t be daft,’ she replies, squeezing my hand. Even here, now, stuck in the hospital, Birdie is tougher and braver than I will ever be. ‘And I wasn’t thinking about Chuck in a bad way. I was thinking about him in a good way. I’ve actually been thinking that, well, maybe he was the one. I mean, I’ve never met any other man I felt that wayabout.’
‘What aboutChefGreg?’
‘No.’
‘What about Big PeenPablo?
‘No.’
‘What about Aaron the clumsy drummer with a heartofgold?’
‘No. Although I did like him a hell of a lot… But none of them meant as much to me asChuck.’
‘Oh!’ I say. ‘Right! Wow. I always assumed he was nothing more than a distant memorytoyou!’
Birdie tucks her dark cropped hair behind her ears. ‘I’ve had so much time to reflect in here, and in my situation you do a lot of thinking. And, well, Ithinkthat Chuck Allen might have been… my BigSexyLove.’
‘No!’ I gasp. ‘Your Big Sexy Love? Seriously? After all this time? After he broke your heart? No!Really?’
Birdie nods and shrugs one shoulder. ‘Really.’
Wow. That’s pretty big. Scratch that.It’sepic.
The pursuit of Big Sexy Love is a thing Birdie told me about that first night after we’d met in the library. We’d headed off on a long walk around the campus, shared our entire life stories and discussed what we hoped for in our futures. She said that she wanted to experience love. But not just any love, Big Sexy Love, as she called it. The kind of love that made you sleepless and excited and devoted and crazy. Dramatic, all-encompassing, can’t live without them, the sun shines out of their bum love. BigSexyLove.
I countered with the notion that feeling so over the top in love about anyone sounded horrible and uncomfortable. How would you get anything done if you were feeling all those feelings all of the time? And what if they let you down? What if they buggered off and left you behind, like my parents did? Then what? Nah. I told her that my version of Big Sexy Love would be a dependable love. Steady. Someone who had a reliable job and turned up on time, and didn’t make you lose your head. Someone lovely and consistent and secure. Someone who would never leave. In my fantasy at the time, this someone had sideburns and an unwavering five-yearplan.
‘Oh Birdie, I’m sorry,’ I say, my heart squeezing with pity. How awful to be so young and thinking about lost love. Lost Big Sexy Love, even! As if her life isn’t already totallyunfair.Shit.
She fiddles with a bit of fabric on her jumper sleeve and bites her lip. ‘I want Chuck to know that I forgive him. For choosing to go to Princeton instead of coming with me to England. I… want him to know what he meant to me. I don’t want to…go… with him thinking that I hate him. I want him to know he was my BigSexyLove.’
I nod, touched at her generous heart and try to hold down the tears that spring to my eyes.. She’s so sweet. She’s got all this going on and she’s worried about letting an old boyfriend who, sounds like a bit of a shit to be honest, know that she loved himbigtime.
‘Shall I help you write an email?’ I ask, looking at my watch. ‘I can stay a while, I don’t have any plans. No plansatall.’
‘No plans at all? On a Friday night? Jeez, Olive.’ Birdie shakes her head inexasperation.
‘Shuddup,’ I say. ‘I like a good Fridaynightin!’
‘And Saturdays and Sundays and Mondays and all of the days… Oh Brewster, what am I gonna dowithyou?’
‘We’re not talking about me,’ I grumble. ‘What I’m saying is that I’d be happy to stay and write an email with you. Even if I did have plans, I’dcancelthem.’
‘Well, the thing is,’ Birdie says, pulling a face, ‘I don’t have Chuck’s email address. Or his phone number. No contact detailsatall.’
