Page 130 of One for the Road
“Am I yours, Alistair? Because last I remembered, this . . . thing between us isn’t real.”
Her words were a punch to the solar plexus. “If you don’t know the answer to that, then clearly I haven’t been doing a very good job.”
“At what?”
At showing you I’m in love with you.The words were right there. Right there and I couldn’t say them. Didn’t want to throw them out like this.
“What did you tell him? Cameron?” I asked instead.
“No, obviously. Even if we hadn’t . . .” She waved a hand between us, like it was enough to sum up everything we’d shared. “I’d never take him back. Teddy and I deserve better than that.”
My feet carried me closer, and though I was desperate to touch her, to pull her into my arms and carry her back to bed, forget all this shit, we needed to have this out. “I’m really glad you finally see that, honey. But I’m going to need you to finish the sentence. Even if we hadn’t what?”
“Fucked, Alistair.” Her voice rose a decibel, just enough to stun me. She was barely even shouting, but until last night, I’d never heard her raise her voice beyond her calm, dulcet tones. “If we hadn’t fucked, because that’s what last night was. Convenient sex with your fake girlfriend before you move away and find something better.”
“That’s not even close to what we’re doing, and you know it.”
“Do I?” she whimpered, the sound reminding me of a wounded animal. She paced away, curling her arms around her waist. “Because right now, Alistair, I don’t feel like I know anything. You say these incredibly sweet things, like I’m yours, and you make my kid care about you, but at the same time you hold back absolutely everything about yourself. About your life in Glasgow . . . It’s like you just rolled in with the mist one morning. And maybe it’s really selfish of me to be throwing this shit at you now, after everything I just said—”
I couldn’t hold back anymore, closing the gap to cup her cheeks. “I’d never lie to you, Isla. You might be the only person in my life I’m fully honest with.”
“The facts. You told me the facts.” She ripped from my grip. “That you were planning to sell the surgery. Not that you were already interviewing replacements.” She ticked off her fingers. “A disagreement over a patient misdiagnosis and you chose to take a sabbatical, that’s what you said. Not that she was your patient or that she nearly died. Not that it affected you so badly you attacked a colleague.” My jaw snapped shut. “Is it true, Alistair?”
If she had slapped me, it wouldn’t have struck as hard a blow.
It took me a moment to answer. “That information is supposed to be confidential.” She laughed. A hollow ringing sound that made me straighten. A man facing the gallows. “Cameron might want to check his sources in the future, because I didn’t attack anyone.”
She nodded, and the knot inside my chest eased a fraction. At least she believed that, if nothing else.
“Ask me. I’ll tell you everything.”
“Does it even matter at this point?” She looked so sad. “We both know how this ends.”
“Yes, it matters.” More than that, I wanted to tell her. Wanted to tell her everything.
“Alistair—”
“Ask me something else.” I gripped her shoulders desperately. Only minutes ago we’d been eating breakfast, and I’d been preparing to beg on my knees for her forgiveness, then beg her to be mine. Just like Juniper had told me to. Now it felt like we were hurtling through rapids, seconds from being separated. “Ask me if I’m leaving. Ask me if I’m still selling the surgery. Ask me and I’ll tell you I’m not going anywhere. I interviewed one candidate –one, Isla. And I turned him down. Not because he wasn’t perfect for the job – he’s probably more qualified than I am.” I looked her in the eye. “But . . . I couldn’t do it. I’m staying in Kinleith, Isla. With you and Teddy.”
“What?” She blinked, but I rushed on. Desperate to get this out.
“I think we should give this a real go. Last night proved just how good we are together . . . not that it’s all about the sex,” I tacked on quickly. All the words I needed to say were getting tangled in my throat. I should have planned this better. Written it all down. “I’ll answer every question you have. Tell you anything you want to know—”
“You’re keeping the surgery, just like that?” Her tone was disbelieving. “What about everything with your dad? You hate Kinleith, and we’ve already established that I’m staying in Kinleith permanently.”
She was worrying I’d regret my decision. My chest pinched, hopeful. “Not selling now, doesn’t mean I can’t in the future . . . if things don’t work out between us.” Just uttering the possibility aloud hurt.
The words were meant to be reassuring. For her to know that she wasn’t trapping me. I knew they were wrong the second they landed. “So you’d only be staying for me?”
“Yes.” I saw in real time the exact moment the light in her eyes faded, and I lost her. “Isn’t that what you want?”
“No, actually.” Her face had turned pale. “I couldn’t think of anything worse.”
It was a dagger through my heart. Not a clean cut, but jagged. Tearing bone and sinew. “I . . . I can’t be a placeholder in your life,” she whispered, pleading for me to understand. “I can’t makeTeddya placeholder. Maybe you were right before, and I do use her as an excuse to run, but she needs absolutes right now. We both do.” She squeezed her eyes shut, and I watched a tear break free. “Otherwise I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realise that you’re miserable here and I wasn’t worth sticking around for—”
“Fuck, Lang.” She was breaking my fucking heart. “That’s never going to happen—”
“You can’t know that.” That single tear rolled down her cheek. She slapped it away. “Please, just . . . I need you to take some time. Take me out of the equation and decide if Kinleith is whatyouwant.”
