Page 12 of Under the Weatherman
I had to laugh that she’d taken this to another plane. “And that’s supposed to be a bad thing? Isn’t social shame a curb to”—I tried to think of the right word, but unlike Elizabeth, I didn’t have access to a brain dictionary—“shamelessness?”
“Of course, but that doesn’t make it real, or even right. What I meant is, we’re all walking around with bullshit fears, carrying future or past judgment from people who don’t exist anywhere but in our minds.” She shrugged like she wasn’t one of those people, someone I’d unintentionally wronged in my past.
“They exist.” I gestured toward her. “Youexist.”
She smiled. “This version of me exists, yes, but when you remember me tomorrow, your mental version of me will not. The people you used to know, they live here”—she touched my forehead—“and their voices are mostly an amplification of your own fear.”
Jesus, was that true? Had I been carrying around ghosts this entire time? “Why have I been paying a therapist?”
“Oh, please don’t take my words professionally. I just tend to get up in my own head, and I like to try to understand why I think the way I do.” She wrinkled her nose. “It’s a verydoctor, heal thyselfsituation. I’m the world’s biggest coward.”
It made me feel better that she was speaking from personal experience. “Smart. I get up in my own head and then stay there.”
“It’s better than avoidance. I’ve known plenty of guys who weren’t in touch with their feelings at all, and trust me, this is better.” She gave a half-shoulder shrug. “But maybe turn the volume down on the past and pay attention to what’s going on in the present?”
Funny. That was on my long list of reminders from my therapist. Stay in the moment, be present, let go of the past. “I’m trying. I really am.”
“By the way, you know what else Lacan said?”
“Uh. What?”
She waggled her eyebrows. “The only thing you can be guilty of isnotfollowing your desires.”
“Did he now?” That sounded conveniently made up, but I licked my lips, enjoying this weird, nerdy flirtation.
“Provided it really isyourdesire.”
“As opposed to?”
“What do you truly want, Evan?”
What a question. I wished I could step out of time and see where all my paths led. I scratched my chin. “Would it be juvenile of me to say I want you to like me?”
“I like you,” she said. Her bright gorgeous eyes sparkled with the same mischief from earlier, and I wondered if we’d managed to clear the air just like that. “For the record, youdon’twant to kiss me, though. Correct?”
I swallowed and lifted a hand to her cheek. “I do. I just—”
Her hand settled on my wrist, a coy smile curling the corner of her mouth. “So what do you fear?”
“I’m leaving in the morning, and I don’t know when or if I’ll be back here again.”
“That’s exactly why you should.”
Damned if I did, damned if I didn’t. But she was an adult, and she could make her own decisions. And damned if I didn’t want to kiss her.
I took a deep breath. Who knew what the future held? What if this chance never came around again? I slid my palm along her jaw, fingers tightening in the hair at the nape of her neck, and I pulled her toward me. She ceded easily, meeting me halfway.
Our lips brushed, and she moaned almost soundlessly. I withdrew slightly, testing, giving her time to change her mind. I rested my forehead against hers, her chest rising and falling in time with my own racing heart.
She said, “Stop thinking and kiss me, Evan.”
I gazed into her eyes, and I could see all the desire there, like a crush she’d harbored for years. Then I gave in, letting go of the over-thinking, indulging in the feel of her mouth, the thrill of her ragged breathing. I pressed into her, coaxing her lips apart with my tongue. When I dragged the elastic from her ponytail so I could tangle my fingers in her hair, she drew back, eyes glazed over. It had been a long time since I’d had a woman in my arms, and I loved knowing she wanted me as much as I wanted her, no games, no deception.
She stood and held out her hand. “Come with me.”
I let her pull me up. She walked backward, tugging me toward her bedroom, looking so gorgeous, like a siren.
And God help me, I followed, fallout be damned.
