Page 31 of Never After Us
“Terrifies me.”
“Because?”
I close my eyes, pressing the heel of my palm to my brow.
“Because they interrupt my day, the peace I’ve been able to find,” I whisper.“I don’t know how to ...what if I lose all the work I’ve done because the noise is back?”
He looks at me puzzled.
“What noise are we talking about?”he asks.
“The public, the ...it was a lot.All I wanted is to play music, not to be Alec Horvath,” I suddenly say, and there it is.The things you don’t know you’ll say until they’re out.
“We already talked about being ‘the Alec Horvath,’” he states and goes back into his notes.“You’re still you, and that person was just someone created by a marketing team and a man who wanted to sell your image to make himself rich.”
“You’re right,” I state, remembering what we’ve talked about.
This, all of this, started with me trying to figure out why I keep going to rehab.How upset I was at Connor fucking Dempsey.My agent and the man who introduced me to alcohol and ecstasy before I was eighteen.He used me.He promised the O’Sheas, my then foster parents, that he’d take care of me.
They kept cashing the checks.I don’t even know how they got away with it, but ...maybe that’s why Mara’s last name made so much noise.I try not to think about my last foster family.They were terrible people.This is why I’m suspicious of her.What if she’s just trying to take something that doesn’t belong to her?
But there’s also that part where I don’t like to let people in.I did for too long and couldn’t keep them with me—or they disregarded me.Every time I tried growing close to somebody, the house changed.The rules changed.The people changed.
“It’ll be best if I don’t deal with them,” I conclude.
“Because you would hate if loss repeated itself.”
His question hits in a very unexpected way.Dr.Bennet waits, giving me space.
“And now,” I continue, voice thin, “there’s this woman next door.And her daughter.And they’re dealing with their own grief.And I can’t tell if I’m reacting to losing Lina or reacting to ...”
I hesitate.
“...reacting to them.”
“You’re grieving multiple things at once,” he says softly.“Lina’s passing.The childhood you lost before you understood it.The connections you never felt safe having.And now you’re confronting new people who represent what you’ve always avoided—connection, unpredictability, emotional vulnerability.”
I let out a humorless laugh.“You make it sound so neat and tidy.”
“It’s not neat,” he says firmly.“It’s something so human it’ll be a challenge to confront.”
“I don’t want to get attached to them,” I say quickly.
“And yet?”
“And yet ...”My voice trails off.
“And yet I stood in front of her earlier, and offered to help when I saw just a hint of panic in those big brown eyes of hers.”I shake my head.“It’s like some part of me wanted to make everything better.I hated it.Me ...or whatever made me help her.”
Dr.Bennet’s mouth lifts—barely.“You’re afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of being seen.”
My pulse kicks.“I’m not?—”
“You are,” he says gently.“And that’s okay.”
