Page 125 of Never After Us
“Who cares, right?”she says, and it’s not for me anymore—it’s for her.Her voice is tighter now, spiraling inward.“Like her life was some kind of tragedy ...but mine doesn’t have to be the same.Nope.I’m not part of it.We should look for the rest of the journals.”
But I’ve already looked.I should remind her that the rest of the boxes have been opened.We know where the vinyl collection is.I turn to all the other boxes where the journals were and I can say that everything is accounted by date except ...“Everything is accounted for.All read but the letters and that thin journal you found today between those records.”
Mara’s lips press into a line.She swallows.“Then there’s no key.No answer for why I’m here.”
“Or,” I say quietly, “you’re not ready to see it.It’s called denial.”
She points at me.“There’s nothing to be in denial about.She loved all of us equally.”
“She talked about all of you, yeah,” I admit, watching her.“But it was different when she talked about you.”
Mara stills.
“There was this ...pride in her voice,” I continue.“Whenever she mentioned the one who traveled.”
“She talked about me?”she asks, barely above a whisper.
“A lot.”I reach for the journal with the most photos.“She used to show me these—magazine clippings of the pictures you took.I didn’t pay enough attention at the time, honestly.I was ...an asshole.”
Mara scoffs, shaking her head.“Doubtful.”
“Okay, maybe asshole is too harsh,” I agree.“But I could’ve given her more time.Let her tell me more about the places she wanted to go.But at least her favorite niece traveled often.”
Her eyes glisten, but she doesn’t look away.
“She said it made her happy,” I add, quieter now.“That one of you got to do everything she never could.”
“We had a map,” Mara whispers.“She pinned every place we planned to go together.She was my favorite aunt.”
“You want me to read the journal?”I offer.“See what I find?”
ChapterForty-One
December 12, 1967
Something feelsoff with the world.
The days stretch in odd directions, thin and shaky, like the hours forgot how to sit still.No one says anything is wrong, but I can feel everyone’s mood.I try to be pleasant and happy so they aren’t growling but it’s almost impossible to pretend everything is normal.
School sucks.
My sisters are ...Laura complains about her marriage.Edward and her haven’t been able to have babies.I heard Mom saying something about divorce.We can only pray that it won’t happen.
Lisa is finally getting married and Lana just finished college, which Dad says is a waste of time and money.I want to go to college and travel and ...I don’t tell them my dreams.Not the plans that Thomas and I have or how much I miss him, because they think I’m boring.
I’m too young to be thinking about a boy.
If only Mama knew how much Thomas and I love each other.She’d be upset.
Inside my heart, it feels like a thread is pulling tighter and tighter, and if I breathe too deeply, everything will unravel.
I wish time would settle.Just for a moment.I wish I could believe the quiet isn’t hiding anything.
Of course, I keep puking but I don’t tell them anymore.They keep saying I look sick.Losing too much weight and ...I don’t want to go to the doctor.Suzy had something like this and she died a year ago.I miss my friend, but not as much as I miss Thomas.
ChapterForty-Two
January 4, 1968
