Page 126 of Never After Us
Sleep doesn’t help.
I wake up with the same feeling I fell asleep with—a hollow ache, like something has been misplaced inside me.I try to ignore it, but I’m afraid of what could be happening to me.
Lana keeps asking why I’m always near the window.I keep pretending I’m just watching the street.That I’m only curious about the cold.But every time the mailman walks by, my heart stumbles.
It’s embarrassing how hope can feel like humiliation.We haven’t heard from him.Thomas’s Mom doesn’t speak to us, so we don’t know what’s happening.For all I know, he might be okay but just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.Maybe he doesn’t miss me.
I wish I could stop waiting for something I can’t explain to anyone.
Maybe I’m wrong.Maybe nothing is wrong.
But the silence is killing me.I thought he loved me.
ChapterForty-Three
January 20, 1968
I thinksomething is happening to me.
My body feels strange, the puking continues.Victoria mentioned I might have an eating disorder because I’m losing weight and look pale all the time.I keep eating, I just keep losing my food.My parents don’t know.What if they take me to a hospital and I never learn what’s happening with Tommy?
I don’t know what to do.
ChapterForty-Four
February 1, 1968
The vomiting is gone but...now I have cramps or something that’s hurting my stomach.It’s either that or ...
I don’t know who to talk to.Not Mama.Not Daddy.Not my sisters.Not anyone.
This secret sits under my skin like a pulse, and I keep hoping it will disappear if I pretend hard enough.
But there might be something different happening.Laura and I went to the doctor because she thought she could be pregnant and ...everything the doctor told her has been happening to me.
The sad news is that Laura isn’t expecting a baby, but me?
What if I am pregnant?
The thought knocked all the air out of me.
When I got home, I sat on the floor for nearly an hour trying not to shake.I’m sixteen.Sixteen.I don’t even know how to be myself most days—how am I supposed to be something more?
And yet, beneath the fear, something different is happening.God help me, I think I already love whatever is happening inside me.
Mine and Tommy’s baby.
Our little family, but if this is happening my parents might kill me.
ChapterForty-Five
February 6, 1968
Mama has started watchingme too closely.She always knows before anyone else.I’ve been avoiding mirrors because I’m afraid I’ll see something that confirms what I’m trying not to think about.
The sickness is back, and the mornings are the worst.
I keep telling myself it’s nerves.Stress.Worry.But the sickness doesn’t care what I tell myself.Every night I lie awake wondering what I’m supposed to do.I don’t have an answer.I don’t think I will for a long time.
