Page 94 of So I'll Know
I hate that every light-blond head in the room has beenturning my head all night, as if Jeremy might appear here serendipitously like he has in my life for years; my happy accident. But he hasn’t. I’m dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room, and I just want her to be Jeremy Hart.
The song changes, and familiar notes fill my ears.
“Are they playing Nickelback?” I whisper to myself, but Sabrina giggles and nods.
“It’s ‘Far Away.’ The band is really talented. They can cover an instrumental version of pretty much any popular song—kind of like the music onBridgerton.”
“What’sBridgerton?”
“Jesus, Roy. It’s a TV show.” When I look down at her blankly, she shakes her head. “Never mind.”
I give an awkward nod. The tune is hauntingly beautiful, but fuck if it doesn’t remind me of dancing with Jeremy around the bonfire that last night on the beach. My throat tightens again, and my eyes feel hot. The room is tilting and swaying, making me dizzy.
The lyrics come back to me as the chorus swells, and it triggers a memory: dropping off Seb and Charlie at the arcade in Brighton and spotting Jeremy at one of the machines, his silver hair pushed back, an easy smile on his face while he punched buttons on the machine, the colorful lights playing off his high cheekbones. I remember my breath catching as it did every time I saw him, and the world stopped.
Nickelback was playing, Chad Kroeger’s voice barely audible over the din of the arcade when he sang, “I love you. I loved you all along. I miss you. Been far away for far too long.”
Fuck. I loved him all along.
“I need some air.” I step away from the dance floor and try not to draw attention to myself as I stride to the stairs. On the second floor, the crowd is thinner, and I make a break for one of the balconies, stepping out into the crisp December night, the door closing behind me with a loud snick.
I squat down in the darkness and press my forehead to my knees, breathing deeply. It feels weird the way my suit tightens around my body in this position, making me feel even more uncomfortable. A sob crawls up my throat, and I can’t stop the wave of regret and misery that threatens to drown me like some sort of emotional sneaker wave.
I wish I’d never left him.
I didn’t just break up with him. I fucked him and ghosted. I burned us to the ground so that he’d never want me back. So that he’d always be safe. And now, as my heart once again splinters to pieces, I’m positive it wasn’t worth it.
I fall to my ass, the cement cold through my pants, and cry in earnest, no longer giving a fuck.
The door opens, my head whips up, my hand scrubbing my face furiously, but it’s just Sabrina.
“I miss him so fucking much.” The words come out sad and garbled.
I can’t see her face in the shadows, but she drops to her knees at my side and pulls me into her arms. “Shhh, I know. It’s okay.”
I press my face into her shoulder as my whole body shudders.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
JEREMY
I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor with a huge bowl of peanut M&Ms in my lap while I watchHow to Train Your Dragon, which was a colossal mistake, considering the musical score alone makes me cry.
It’s been two weeks.
Two weeks since I woke up alone.
Two weeks since he stopped answering my texts.
Two weeks since that asshole fucked me and left.
At first, I was livid, and I held onto that anger as long as I could because I knew if I spiraled, I might be tempted to cut myself, and I didn’t want Marcus fucking Conner to have that power over me. But the anger eventually flatlined, replaced by suffocating grief and the haunting feeling that I’m once again unwanted by the person I wanted to want me the most.
Then, after a couple days of wallowing, I picked myself up and started working again. After the pub’s final inspection, I’ll be free to move on to my next job in Cannon Beach. Marcus was good on his promise to give Flash a reference, and I got an email last week with a request to finalize the paperwork.
I haven’t decided whether I’ll be leaving Seattle permanentlyor not, but I’ll definitely need a break from this place for a while. At least Flash’s over-the-top mansion will keep me occupied.
My mood finally started to level out, but today fucked me up again because I stumbled upon Marcus’s engagement announcement. The photo of him and Sabrina was perfect—Marcus, his serious face clean-shaven, with one hand in his pocket, the other resting on Sabrina’s waist.
