Page 84 of So I'll Know
And getting here hasn’t been easy.
If anything, the last week alone has made me loathe coming to work because there’s such a stark difference between the way we act at the office and the way we act each evening behind closed doors.
Behind closed doors, which is at my apartment because Marcus never lets us go back to his, we’re good.
Really good.
But as soon as daylight touches his pillow, Marcus is up andout the door like his ass is on fire. I’ve been trying really hard not to take it personally. I know there’s a complicated dynamic going on with him—business and personal shit all tangled together—but what if this never ends? What if he’ll never be ready? Where does that leave us? Where does it leave me?
And then there’s Sabrina. I know their relationship is fake.I know. But that doesn’t stop my brain from creating all kinds of horrific scenarios involving Marcus living his best life withher. The thoughts stir up all kinds of illogical jealously.
Honestly, it hurts a little—okay, a lot—and pisses me the fuck off.
So I’ve been pushing his boundaries a bit. Not in front of people, obviously; that would be reckless. But when it’s just us at work? Absolutely. What can I say? I can be a dramatic, petty bitch, and he knows it.
I finally pull up my big boy panties and knock on his door.
“Come in.”
I peek my head in. Marcus doesn’t look up, and I take a moment to note the troubled expression on his face while he types something into his phone.
I step into his office and place the list on his desk, sliding it across.
He looks up, his brown eyes like warm dappled sunlight under the soft desk lamp. “What’s this?”
“A list of recommendations for contractors and tradespeople in the order that you should contact them.” He stares down at the paper, his brow furrowed. “Once they actually start work, I can come in and supervise if you want me to, but my interior design plans and notes are very thorough, and I’m available through text as well.”
He looks up at me quickly. “You’re done here?”
“Well, not done, per se,” I say slowly, trying to read the emotions in his mannerisms. “I’ll do a final walkthrough when all the work is complete.” He frowns, and I wish I knew whatwas going through his head. “If you’re worried about the shorter timeline, I made it clear this job should be a priority?—”
“It’s not about the timeline,” he snaps and scrubs his scruff—which is actually a short beard at this point—in annoyance.
I close the door quietly. Then I walk around to where Marcus slouches in his chair and lean my ass on his desk. “What’s going on, big guy?”
“You shouldn’t be back here,” he mumbles.
“And why is that?”
“Anyone could walk in.”
“Would that be so bad? I’m just sitting here as your friend. We’re allowed to be friends, right? So talk to me,” I plead. “Please.”
He’s really been off lately. I know he’s been meeting with Sabrina a lot, but I’ve kept my distance from them for now. Even though I know their relationship is fake, something about it still makes me feel left out.
“Does this have something to do with your father or Ryan?” I ask. “Did something happen?”
He looks up at me, and I’m surprised to see that his eyes are red and glassy. “A little. But I can’t talk about that. I just . . . don’t want you to go, I guess.” He looks down. “But maybe it’s for the best.”
I feel like my heart leaves my chest with my exhale. “What do you mean?”
“I like having you around, Jer, but I know I can be frustrating, and I’m trying, but I think I’m still failing. There’s so many people who I’m trying to please and protect, and I feel like I’m hurting you in the process, and that’s not what I want. Shit, I can’t even admit that I’m . . .”
I stare at him, waiting for him to say it out loud. He doesn’t. He slams his hands on the desk, growling in frustration.
“Finish your sentence, Marcus.”
“I can’t, okay? Not out loud, anyway.” He stands to his fullheight so that he towers over me. His hand wraps around my throat, and it gives me a little thrill like it always does when he’s feral. He leans toward me, anger and confusion swimming in his eyes. “I don’t think you really understand. There’s a lot of moving parts and so much at stake.”
