Page 74 of So I'll Know
“I said the same thing,” Tris says. “Also, I love that you two are so comfortable with each other.”
My eyes dart to Tris. “What’re you talking about?”
“Just that people in professional relationships don’t normally converse inf-bombs, obviously.”
“Right,” I mutter.
“You’re not going to explain the suit?” Tristan asks again.
This whole interaction is making me feel anxious and angry. I want to yell. Or punch something. Like my father’s face. Like Ryan’s face. But because I don’t want to take it out on the two people who seem to tolerate me, I turn away and say, “I have work to catch up on.” I stomp upstairs to my office. A lump grows in my throat when I pass Seb’s office. I miss him so much right now.
I sit heavily in my chair and bang my forehead against the desk a few times, trying to regulate my erratic emotions.
Control. Get control.
My heart rate slows, and I sit up, finally taking a deep breath. I open my laptop, put the files that Ryan requested in a zip file, and quickly email it to him and my dad before I give in and write something snarky.
There’s a soft knock on my door.
“What?” I snarl.
Jeremy opens it and steps inside, looking incensed. “What the heck is going on, Marcus?”
“What do you mean?”Playing dumb is a good move, right?
“What do Imean?” Jeremy sputters, his pale cheeks reddening. “You sneak out of my apartment at God knows when this morning. After everything you said yesterday about not ending this, you ghosted me?—”
I hold up a finger, and he stops mid-tirade, his eyes narrowing. “I didn’t ghost you.”
His hands ball into fists, his whole body shaking, and I lean back, worried he’s about to throw a punch. “You texted Tris this morning instead of me. What was I supposed to think?” Jeremy’s shouting at this point, and I realize with panic that Tristan can probably hear us.
“Shut the door if you’re going to lecture me,” I hiss.
He gives me a cold look and then reaches back and slams the door. Hard. “Is that it? Are you ashamed of me?”
“I’m not ashamed ofyou.”
“But you’re ashamed of whatever is between us, Marcus. It’s just Tris. He’s queer. He would understand.”
I shake my head vehemently and slam a hand on the desk. Jeremy gives me a critical look like I’m a child throwing a tantrum. “I just can’t tell the world, okay? Not even Tris. I told you that yesterday.”
His voice lowers to a plea. “And I’m not asking you to. But the way you left hurt me, so help me understand what happened.” Jeremy drops his hand to his hip, and now that I know about the scars underneath, it stabs me, sharp and hot, in the chest.
“I just needed some space, okay?” I blurt, my voice wavering. “Some time to think and process everything.” I give him a pleading look. “It’s so easy to be with you, Jeremy. Frighteningly so. But I don’t know how to do this in the light of day.” I scrub the back of my neck, digging my fingernails into my nape. “Even just the thought of Tris knowing about us back there fucking freaked me out, and I know he’s an out queer man. I—” The breath seizes in my lungs, and suddenly I’m gasping for air as the noise in my head reaches a headache-inducing crescendo.
Jeremy’s brows dip, and he’s on the other side of my desk in an instant. He climbs into my lap, his thighs on either side ofmine, slotting our bodies together as he takes my cheeks in his hands. “Marcus, sweetheart, breathe. Listen to my voice.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as I continue to gasp, but with every gentle swipe of his thumbs on my cheeks, the air seems to return to my lungs. Everything falls quiet, my brain engulfed in soft static. His lips brush my nose, and my eyes flutter open to find his teal ones staring back at me, shining with concern.
“What’s wrong with me?” I whisper as our words mingle together.
“Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re scared, and that’s okay. I remember what it’s like.”
“What’s what like?”
“To feel trapped.” He licks his lips, and my eyes track the movement. “It took me a long time to accept that I was queer, even though I’ve always felt it. I was so alone until high school. I thought I had failed at being a man, and liking other men? Well, that was just one more failure. One more reason I would always be alone.” I watch the way Jeremy’s freckles dance across the bridge of his nose as his expression changes. “But I wasn’t alone. And you’re not either, and I promise that it’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere, Marcus. We can figure this out together, whether we’re fucking or not.”
I huff out a surprised laugh. “Your dirty talk could use some work.” He smiles, and I lean forward, pressing our mouths together in a firm but gentle kiss. “I had no intention of ghosting you, Starlight.”
