Page 115 of So I'll Know
Itake two drinks from the barista and walk over to Sabrina, handing her a steaming cup of coffee. She’d never heard about Ghost Alley Espresso, my favorite to-go coffee nook, and as soon as I described it, she insisted that we meet here for our regular “wedding planning” date.
Sabrina stares at the gum wall, her face scrunched. “How is this so gross but so awesome at the same time?”
“I can’t believe you haven’t been down here. How long have you lived here?”
“It’s a good question,” she says thoughtfully, linking her arm with mine. “I guess I’m just busy with work and I don’t get a lot of time to do touristy things downtown.”
We wind our way through Pike Place Market, the smell of fish, weed, and human body odor a noxious mix, but the smell fades to salty sea air when we reach the tables outside overlooking the water.
I sit, shifting my cup between my hands, and Sabrina sits across from me, her eyes bright with questions. “How’s that pretty boyfriend of yours?” My gaze darts around the diningarea nervously, and Sabrina gives me a flat look. “Oh, are we not calling him that right now?”
“We’re just in public, you know? I’m still nervous . . .” I start cagily, taking a distracted drink of my tea and immediately regretting it when the hot liquid scalds my tongue.
She sighs and shakes her head, her curly locks swaying around her shoulders. Sabrina looks adorable today in a rainbow peacoat and dark jeans. Her lavender Converse remind me of Jeremy’s—she has almost as many colors as he does. “You have to give him something more, Marcus.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “I know you can’t love him like you want to—at least not yet—but give him something solid to hold on to.”
“Who said anything about love?”
Her look suggests I’m an idiot.
I definitely am.
“Jeremy is a sensitive kid,” she says. “He needs to feel like he matters. Don’t let him doubt that he’s worth it.”
I frown. “What do you mean? He’s everything. He has been since I was eleven.”
“Does he know that, though? Have you ever told him?”
“I guess not. I wasn’t ready to admit that to him or myself before, and now? I guess I’m worried that I’ll freak him out.” I stare where our hands connect, her pink mitten soft on my skin. “I’m not good at relationships. I just fuck them up.”
“Jesus. Forget the past. Be a goldfish, Roy.”
I stare at her. “I don’t follow.”
She rolls her eyes. “It means live in the moment. Don’t dwell on your past mistakes. A goldfish has a ten-second memory, and it’s probably the happiest animal on Earth.”
My lips twitch with the start of a smile. “That’s fromTed Lasso, isn’t it?”
“Duh.” She sits back and crosses her legs, taking a sip of her coffee. “So what’re you going to do about Jeremy? Hit me.”
“What? Like, literally?”
Sabrina looks at me deadpan. “No, silly, hit me with your plan. I want to approve it.”
“Well, my sister has a going-away party next week. I’m bringing Jeremy, and I’ll tell them then.” She doesn’t look impressed, and I glare at her. “What am I supposed to do? It’s not like public grand gestures are okay given our current situation.”
“Fine. Point taken. What will you be telling them, exactly? That you’re bi? That Jeremy is your boyfriend?”
“Both. But I’m worried I’m going to choke.”
Sabrina frowns. “Why, though? Are your siblings homophobic?”
I shake my head. “No, definitely not. My sister is in a poly relationship with two guys.”
“Well, then what’s the issue, sweetie?”
“I don’t know.” I look up at her. “It’s like I’m scared shitless, but I don’t know why.”
“It makes it real.”
