Page 118 of Claimed By my Father's Enemies
I used to stand here for a moment before going in. Trying to gather courage. Or just for readiness. The habit of making myself smaller before crossing the threshold, making myself the least possible version of a target.
I let myself feel what standing here does to my chest. The tightening. The body memory that doesn't care how much timehas passed. I used to fight it. Press it immediately back down, function through it, refuse to let a building have that kind of reach over a grown person. Now I just stand here and let it be what it is.
I understand why William wants to level it to the ground. It won’t erase the memories. It will not take away the scars. But it’s a visual memory that is just not there anymore
Last week, after the settlement papers were finally signed, I came here alone.
I walk through every room. It didn’t seem as big as I remember. The hallways seemed narrower.
I stood in Conrad's study for a full minute and felt nothing but tired, which surprised me. I'd braced for anger. For sadness. But all I felt was tired of carrying this in my chest.
And underneath the tiredness, slowly, something that started to look like an idea.
I’ve been thinking about what happened between me and the men constantly. Going back and forth on what to do.
Be cautious, protect my heart and try to move on.
Or follow my heart and see if we can work it out.
I keep getting almost to a decision. Then I wake up the next morning and find I've drifted.
I hadn't decided on any of the ways to go, until this morning when I discreetly watched from the coffee shop across from Adrian’s doctor’s office, the men fell into an embrace, that even from the distance I could see it was a relief hug of good news.
I wanted so badly to share that hug. To be part of that celebration.
But instead, I was alone. Looking from afar.
I start pacing on the gravel again. The waiting is making me nervous.
I hear a car park, doors slamming and hurried steps up the gravel of the driveway.
I come from the corner of the house and I see them there, with different degrees of emotion.
William is pale but eyes are shining.
Carter with his face set with determination.
Adrian looking at me with eagerness.
I walk toward them.
"Thank you for coming." I stop a few feet away. My hands are in my pockets. God, how do you start a conversation like this one. "When I texted, I didn't mean it to be straight away."
"It's best this way," Carter says.
He's right. If there had been time I would have changed my mind twice before they arrived.
I have no plan here, there was no time to prepare a coherent one like I though. So, I just follow my heart.
"In my life I have suffered a lot."
I look at William when I say it. Not to cut the others out but because he knows the specific thing I mean without me having to say it.
He holds my gaze and doesn't look away.
"But I never felt pain like the pain you caused me."
Adrian moves first. One step toward me, and then he catches himself and stops. His hands are open at his sides.
