Page 102 of Arranged Devotion
“Liam says I was out for a while.”
“I’m sorry, Regan. I thought you were dead. You hit the pillar so hard and there was a lot of blood… but I guess head wounds bleed a lot.”
“I thought you were dead too. I wanted you to be. Maybe I still do.”
“Yeah. I don’t blame you.”
“Luke. Look at me.” His eyes meet mine. “Tell me why you did it.”
He doesn’t speak for a long time. His gaze drifts back to the windows and he looks like he’s remembering something painful. “You were becoming like her, you know.”
It takes a second to understand. “Like Mom?”
“Exactly like Mom. Not in the way she spoke or anything, but in the way she carried herself. You ever notice that? The way Mom walked into a room?”
I can still see my mother moving like a scared deer. “She shrank.”
“Exactly. She flowed like water and tried to take up as little space as possible. And over the years I watched you doing that too.”
Guilt slams into me. It’s exactly what I was afraid of. I wanted to be a good example for Luke, but instead I taught him to flinch and hide and run away from our father’s wrath, and maybe a part of this is my fault. All my stupid weakness and my failures.
“I didn’t know. I mean, I didn’t want to, but it’s how I learned to get through the day. If I could be just right… act exactly how I was supposed to… maybe he wouldn’t hit me. Maybe he wouldn’t shout at me. And it worked.”
“It worked for Mom too.” He wrinkles his nose and flinches at the pain. “I hated it so much, Regan. Watching you get crushed down to that. You know why I loved that campground so much? It was the last place I remember you acted like yourself. When I was little, you were so bold and loud and free. Dad hated it, he was vicious, but you didn’t care. You were you, unapologetic. I guess now I realize you were young and stupid, but still, I looked up to you. I wanted to be like you, and seeing you crushed, it broke something in me.”
Tears roll down my face. I can’t look at him. I know what he’s talking about, which is the worst part. I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be my own person before the perfection took over, before I learned to survive, back when I had the space to run, dance, laugh, draw, scream, and joke however I wanted. That lifedidn’t last long—by the time I was twelve, I was already hiding away. But it was enough to leave an impression on my little brother.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“Imagine trying to explain to Mom the way she acts. You know exactly how she’d react, right?”
I wish I didn’t, but I definitely do. She’d pretend like I never said anything. “You think that’s what I would’ve done.”
“I know it is.”
The way he says it hurts a lot. “That’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
“I know, Regan, you didn’t mean anything by it. You were doing whatever you had to, that’s all. It isn’t our fault we grew up like this.” His mouth lifts and there’s blood around his gums. It takes a lot of willpower not to reach out to help him. Instead, I stay rooted to the couch, not moving, my head still pounding.
“You still haven’t told me why you did it.”
“Do you really want to know? Are you even going to believe me?” His eyes flick to the hallway and back to me. “You listen to him now.”
“Forget about Liam.” I lean in so his attention is all mine. “It’s you and me right now. Talk to me, tell me why you did it, make me understand.”
“He’s going to kill me, you know. He has to kill me. What else can he do?”
“Luke—“
“Don’t hate him when he does it.” He says it fiercely, like he’s forcing the words out. “You’ve been better since you married him. I keep catching glimpses of the old you. Like when you were running toward me on the dock, I swear, it was like you were ten again and I was eight, and everything was going to be okay. So don’t hate him when he does what he has to do.”
That breaks me. More tears roll down my cheek. I have to wipe them away and sit up straight, putting some iron in my spine, because if I’m soft now it’ll only make things worse.
“I need you to talk. No more bullshit. Tell me why, Luke, and make me get it.”
He looks up at the ceiling and closes his eyes. “I did it for you. I did it for Mom too. I wanted to break Dad’s power over both of you, and he only has what he has because of the company. I thought if I took that away from him, he couldn’t hurt either of you anymore. I know, it’s stupid, but that’s the truth.”
I hug myself tightly. I wrap my arms around my stomach to hold my guts in, otherwise they’ll spill out and sop into Liam’s nice rug. I press my teeth into my lip, trying not to scream, as I take steadying breaths.
