Page 97 of Arranged Devotion
“Anytime. I’ll be right here.”
I leave the apartment. I don’t want to, but I do it anyway. Back there, inside, it’s safety and comfort. It’s everything I desperately crave.
Out here is scary, but it’s real, and it’s where I really need to be.
The moon’s out in full. The street’s mostly empty at this hour. I find the park, barely more than some grass, a few benches, asmall path, and a playground. Liam’s sitting against a swing, his massive body clearly too big. It’s almost funny as I approach, hugging myself against the chill night air. He watches, face bright in the moonlight.
“I’m glad you came. You didn’t have to.”
“How’d you know I was here?”
“Didn’t. Took me a while to hunt you down.”
“Well, you found me, congrats. What do you want, Liam?”
He doesn’t speak at first. It takes a lot of effort not to go to him. I know it’s not his fault Luke made a horrible choice, but part of me is still angry with the way Liam handled it. He acts like feelings, relationships, romance, this thing between us, are all barely more than liabilities at best.
But our relationships define us. Who we spend our time with, the jobs we do, the people we meet, the way we speak, love, laugh, tell jokes, and cry, that’s what we are. I can’t be like him and pretend people don’t matter. And I wish he’d stop trying to convince himself that it’s true, that he doesn’t need anyone but himself and the Whelans.
“I’m sorry, Regan. I fucked up earlier, and I’m sorry.”
That’s not what I was expecting.
I almost blurt out,it’s okay don’t worry, mostly because I’ve been trained to avoid conflict.
I’m the new Regan now, so I take a moment to think.
“What are you sorry for?”
He steps away from the swing. The chain sways. “I was callous at the diner. You were hurting and I treated you like a child. It was stupid of me.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve gone my whole life thinking I didn’t need anyone. I never had to worry about someone else’s needs before. Until you came along.”
I worry my bottom lip, watching as he comes closer. My big, beautiful husband. He’s scary in the darkness, and if I didn’t feel this need pulsing between my legs, I might run away.
Except it’s always like this when Liam’s around. He draws me to him, no matter what happened, even when I think it’s going to kill me he’s still there to devour the space between us. I feel my walls crumbling, but I’m not ready to forgive him, not yet.
“How do I know you’re not going to keep doing this to me?” I hold up a hand, stopping him from getting too close. He listens and doesn’t advance further. “How do I know we’re a team? And you’re not going to shut down again?”
“I promise?—“
“No, no more promises. That’s your thing, isn’t it? You swear up and down, you never break your word, but what’s that mean? How’s it matter? I don’t know… if I can trust…”
“I swear, Regan.” His voice trembles. He steps closer. I flinch back and I can tell that hurts him. “All my life I’ve kept up walls. Everyone but Finn was nothing more than an obstacle. I went through hell when I was young, and I made myself promise I would never let another living person ruin me again, never let them get under my skin, hurt me, steal from me. I build wallsagainst the world, let myself scar over, until you showed up and started digging all that away. You tore into me, Regan, in ways I never imagined. Seeing you burn that car, the joy it brought you and realizing how that might’ve been the first moment you’ve ever been alive, it changed me, seeing you change too. I don’t want… to be like this. I need… to be with you. I swear, Regan, on everything I am, everything I want to be, no more holding back, no more keeping you away. I want this. I want you.”
My heart beats so fast my head feels light. It’s everything I wanted him to say and more. I move toward him but stop short, still afraid of taking that last step. What happens if we do? What happens if I lose myself in him, let myself trust him fully, only for him to be like my father? I won’t shrink back, not anymore. I’ll never make myself small and perfect for another person ever again.
“I want you too,” I whisper, my voice cracking with how much it hurts to say. “But there’s still Luke… there’s the war… I don’t know what to do, Liam. I don’t know where to go.”
“Let me help.”
“He’s missing…”
“We’ll find him.”
“I don’t know…”
