Page 31 of Wicked Shadows
“You know I spent time in the Army, in Special Forces. There’s a lot of bad shit going on with a buddy from my old unit. He’s more than a friend—he’s part of my family. He’s the brother I never had. His whole world has just been turned upside down. I have no doubt he can take care of himself. But he doesn’t know the people he’s mixed up with like he thinks he does—or what they can do to him.”
“But you know they’re corrupt. Why haven’t you told him?”
“Because I can’t—not yet anyway.”
“I don’t understand, Devon. If he’s your brother, how can you not warn him about these people? Are you part of them—or in business with them?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that, darlin’.”
The suspicion in her eyes and the difference in how she looked at him were the very reasons he’d avoided discussing anything to do with the cases he worked. In their three years together, she’d accepted his ambiguous reasons for not calling regularly and the months he wasn’t accessible at all. When he explained the classified nature of the missions he carried out in the Army, he implied his current work had the same conditions. But that was the extent of how much he divulged about his job and the activities it required of him.
After hearing he was aware of and involved with shady people, Elle naturally had more questions about his job, about his friends, and even about him. Questions he couldn’t answer. Answers he couldn’t give. Secrets he couldn’t share. His undercover missions lasted months on end at times. But when the assignment concluded, he’d always made his way back to her. There were times his investigations brought him to LA, and though it went against his better judgment, those nights were spent in her bed.
He’d agonized over those decisions. Had he been careful enough not to be seen? Had he inadvertently made her a target? Too many times to count, he’d considered what he’d do if anyone hurt her, especially if he was the reason why. There was no hole deep enough, no island remote enough, and no place too far away for that man to escape the wrath of Shadow’s blade. Any shred of information she had about his operations put her in more danger than she could imagine. He’d already crossed a line by sharing what little he’d said.
The hero light she’d always cast over him had begun to dim. The doubts about him started taking root in her mind. She had no idea of the dark, dangerous, and deadly exploits he’d carried out. She was utterly unaware of the horrible acts he was capable of doing—and frequently performed in the line of duty. While he had no qualms about doing whatever the job called for, there were facts about him he never wantedherto know.
Yet, he witnessed the skepticism and wariness mix with her feelings for him. He felt her body stiffen ever so slightly when the anger rolled through her, though she tried to hide it. Her eyes narrowed faintly as she pondered her next question—how to ask, and if she genuinely wanted the answer.
“Do you still talk to Jeff?”
“Occasionally.”
“Have you told him about us?”
“No, I haven’t.”
The corners of her eyes squeezed together perceptibly. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t feel the need to announce and advertise my private life to anyone.”
“Wow.” She pushed off his lap to stand in front of him. She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration as she began to pace. “I don’t know which statement to be offended by first. That I’m lumped into the ‘anyone’ category. That you shut me out of your public and private life. Or that there are underhanded people who don’t deserve your allegiance, but they seem to know more about you than I do. Beth was right.”
And there’s the resentment, he thought.
“What was Beth right about?”
“She and I had an argument right before you showed up. About you.”
I know. I heard the entire conversation, then disappeared before she walked out.He kept his face impassive, concealing his true thoughts and feelings. “What about me?”
“What are we doing, Devon? What is really happening between us? Are we simply friends with benefits, or do you genuinely have feelings for me?”
Unshed tears glistened in her eyes as she fought with all her might to keep the fears at bay. He watched her chin quiver, her chest rise and fall with the deep breaths she took to calm herself, and the way she squared her shoulders to prepare for his response. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, inside and out. She deserved so much better than him, so much more than he could give her. But he’d be damned if he could do the gallant thing and walk away to let her move on without him.
“After three years together, you’re asking this now? You’re asking me if I have feelings for you? Of course I do, Elle. Strong feelings. But my job isn’t a conventional nine-to-five, home-for-dinner type of work. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to tell you everything, but it’s because of my feelings for you that I don’t share the details of it—for your benefit.”
“It doesn’t feel like I’m important to you.”
“You are not justanyoneto me, Elle. The only other people who get a glimpse of the real me are the men from my unit. We worked in life-and-death situations twenty-four-seven, so we knew everything there was to know about each other. We were all well-trained for our roles and never let each other down. But even they don’t get the side of me I give you.
“Don’t think I haven’t recognized all the ways you help me when I show up here. You were trying to determine what state my mind was in as soon as I walked in here. The weeks and months I’m away, I miss you every bit as much as you miss me, if not more. I tried to explain to you early on in this relationship how I’d be in and out of town, unreachable at times, but I’d always be back for you.”
“You’re right. You did tell me that, but I didn’t realize it would always be this way.”
“What are you saying, Elle? Just spit it out. Lay it on the line so there’s no confusion.”
“I’m saying I want more than this. I want more than you showing up occasionally, then leaving for extended periods again. I love you, Devon. I’ve loved you for so long. But if you’re telling me we’ll never have a full life together, that I’ll never know more about you than I do right now…I’m saying I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”
