Page 63 of Road Trip to the Riviera
‘But I’ve realised more and more recently that I’m not…’ I circle my hand a little, trying to encourage the word to come. ‘I’m shit at reading between the lines.’
‘Not sure I get you.’
‘Louis, you could ask me for anything and if it was in my power to give it I would. But I’m not very good at working outwhat people need, seeing what needs to be done. And I think maybe it comes across that I’m pretty shit or I don’t care. But it’s not true, you know that, right?’
He nods, forking another bit of tuna into his mouth. ‘I mean, yeah. I know you care, Dad. Don’t worry.’
‘But I want to get better at it,’ I say, realising how lame that sounds.
‘Oh yeah?’ Louis raises an eyebrow. ‘Going to sign up to an evening class in anticipating people’s needs?’
‘No, but I thought I might…’ My face feels suddenly hot. ‘Read a book about it or something.’
Louis’s laughter is infectious. He lets out a guffaw that has other tables looking our way, both annoyed and incredulous. And I find my shoulders shaking too, even though I’m not 100per cent sure what we’re laughing about. He slaps the table. ‘Oh, Dad,’ he says. ‘You’re priceless.’
The waiter comes over and clears our plates, and I resist the urge to grab mine back and scrape the remaining oil and sauce from the porcelain. He fills our wine glasses again and I have to put my hand over mine. ‘I’m driving.’
He nods gravely and disappears.
Sitting in this posh restaurant, laughing with my son, feels a little like being at the back of the class at school. We’re the naughty ones, in cahoots together while everyone else conforms to the teacher’s expectations.
‘Louis,’ I say, ‘can you do me a favour?’
‘Sure.’
The waiter comes with two more white plates, this time with what appears to be a lump of meat in some kind of sauce. We thank him, wait for him to go.
‘I’m going to really try to do things better. Can you promise to tell me if I’m getting something wrong, or I’ve missed somethingimportant – at least at first, while I’m… learning? Because I don’t want to be that guy.’
‘What guy?’
‘The guy who misses opportunities because he’s too crap at recognising them. Or lets people down because he doesn’t think enough.’
Louis gives a little half smile. ‘You’ll never be that guy, Dad.’
‘Thanks.’ I look at my son, at his young, open face. ‘Listen, Louis, when we’re back, if you want me to help you find somewhere bigger to live…’
‘We’re fine for now.’
‘Sure. But when the baby comes. I mean, things are expensive. I could help out with the rent, maybe buy you the things you need.’
‘You’d do that?’
His surprise at my offer is almost heartbreaking. ‘Of course. I’m your dad, Louis.’
His cheeks flush slightly and I wonder whether it’s relief, surprise, or whether he’s touched. All of these things just serve to indicate that he didn’t expect much from me.
‘Thanks,’ he says.
I squeeze his hand to let him know I’m serious. ‘Maybe I haven’t been that great a dad…’
Louis opens his mouth, presumably to contradict me, but I raise a finger again.
‘Wait. It’s true. I love you, but it’s true. I’ve been… selfish, I suppose. But believe me, things are going to change.’
Our eyes lock for a second then he nods. ‘OK. Well, thanks.’
We turn our attention to our food.
