Page 77 of Road Trip to the Riviera
She laughs. ‘Perhaps we’re more similar than I gave us credit for.’
‘Both excellent actors.’
‘Both terrible at expressing ourselves,’ she says at the same time.
‘It’s OK though, Mum. We’re OK, I tell her,’ rubbing her shoulder.
She coughs and I think for a moment she’s going to do something regular like offer me a cup of tea. Instead, her cheeks slightly pink with effort, she continues to open up. ‘Hal thinks that I’m lonely,’ she declares.
‘Hal does?’
‘No. No. I mustn’t put this on him,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘Hal noticed that I’m lonely. Forced me to admit it, really. That I’m out here in paradise, but I haven’t escaped anything. I’ve brought it with me.’
‘Brought what?’
She shakes her head. ‘I can’t… it’s hard to explain. Well, the fact of the matter is that Hal pointed out that I must be lonely. And I’ll give that boy his due, he hit the nail on the head. You know, I’m not sure I even realised it before. But I am. I miss you, Louis… And your father, of course. And I’m living here, and itiswonderful. But I get lonely too.’
‘You could visit more?’ I suggest.
‘I don’t want to get in the way.’
‘Mum, you wouldn’t!’ I say and she looks at me, her bullshit radar practically flashing. ‘OK, well, perhaps sometimes you would. And I’d get in your way. But we’re family. We’re allowed to annoy each other. Because we love each other too.’
She nods, looking pleased. ‘Well, perhaps I’ll do that then. And you must come out here too. Oh, I know I’m a lot at times, but I do love having people in the house.’
‘Are you sure?’ I raise an eyebrow and we grin momentarily at each other.
‘Why do you think I bought a four-bed house?’
I grin. ‘Well, in that case – yes. Of course. I’d love to.’
She looks at me and I can see there’s more she wants to say. I feel a sudden flicker of something inside; it’s fear, I think. I’m afraid that she’s going to tell me something awful. ‘There was something else, too, Sarah,’ she says.
‘What’s wrong?’
She shakes her head. ‘No, nothing’s wrong. Not really. But I’ve been thinking a lot about the past these last few days – something about Summer and Louis’s news I suppose. And perhaps to do with spending a little more time with Hal than I have before. Sarah, I hope I didn’t… Did I drive a wedge between you two back then? Did I ruin things for you?’
‘Oh, Mum…’
‘Because all I could see, all I could think about then was your future. And the stigma that teenage mothers faced back then, and still probably do now. I was so frightened that I could only see the pregnancy. I couldn’t imagine the person you’d be bringing into this world. Or what your future might look like beyond the immediate.’
‘It’s OK, Mum. It’s a long time ago.’
‘I painted Hal as a villain, to myself at least,’ she says quietly, almost to herself. ‘But he’s a good man. Better, really, than I imagined him to be.’
‘He is. But Mum, we were seventeen. I don’t think either of us imagined any sort of future at that age.’
‘Perhaps not.’
‘I know Hal was scared of you. But if he’d been ready – if I’d been – I think we’d have overcome that, somehow. Found a way. We just aren’t meant to be.’
‘Weren’t,’ she says.
‘Sorry?’
‘I’ve been thinking more and more about how fond Hal seems of you. And I have wondered sometimes whether… Well, you know.’
‘Hal? Really.’
