Page 183 of Camp Bliss
Because, he’d explained, he didn’t want us to put any of the money toward his treatment. He’d already taken enough from us.
I was really glad Zach was standing right next to me then because I was caught between wanting to hug Josh or punch him in the throat.
Idiot.
Instead, I’d just squeezed Zach’s hand really tight, and he’d squeezed back. One look in his eyes was all I needed to know what our course of action would be.
Because there’s only one path forward. I don’t think either one of us considered anything besides helping Josh.
Still, he left it up to us. And that says a lot. He could have checked himself into any rehab program in the world. He didn’t have to come home for that. But he wanted to make reparations.
And knowing that this is who he is at his heart? It makes it easier to forgive.
Yes, forgive him.
But, also, forgive myself.
The list of things I might need to forgive myself for? It isn’t short. For falling in love with Josh in the first place. For not seeing how sick he was before he left. For letting myself get hurt. For doubting my own worth in all of this.
For feeling torn about helping him when he came back.
Josh is worthy of forgiveness and so am I.
We all are.
I glance over my shoulder. Josh and Zach are sitting in the far corner of the waiting area. I don't know which one of them looks more uncomfortable. Zach’s knee is bouncing like he’s counting the seconds until we can get out of here, and my ex looks pretty rough. Like, well, like he’s lost everything and got his ass handed to him in the bargain.
I know as well as anyone that he might not find his way out. That rehab may not put him on a better path.
But I hope it does.
When I hand him the clipboard and pen, he takes them with shaking hands. According to Zach, Josh had a couple of beers at the motel, so I don’t think his trembling has anything to do with withdrawal symptoms.
He’s scared.
I set a quick hand on his shoulder and pat it twice before taking my seat on the other side of Zach.
He glances at me, but the focus in his eyes seems far away.
“Hey,” I whisper, frowning up at him. “You okay?”
Zach shrugs and gives me an embarrassed smile. “I know it’s a rehab hospital, but I didn’t expect it tosmelllike a hospital.”
“Oh, babe.” I clasp his hand on the armrest between us. If I had any doubts about coming with them on this step in our shared journey, I don’t anymore.
He squeezes back and seems to shake off hisfrisson.“I’m okay. Just got stuck in my head for a minute.”
Zach looks back at Josh. He’s still staring blankly at the clipboard in his hands. Setting it on his knees, he clears his throat and looks at us.
“I think… I want y’all to know that I won’t waste this.” His gaze flits down and his lips disappear between his teeth before he looks up again. “The fact that you’re doing this? Covering this for me? I…I—”
“We get it, Josh,” Zach says.
Josh shakes his head. “No. No. I need you to know that what this is costing you won’t go to waste.” Then he nods and meets our eyes again. “I’m going to get better and then… then… I’m going to pay you back. Somehow.”
I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that the money is back. It still doesn’t seem real. But in light of that, paying for Josh’s treatment? It’s nothing.
As though it were choreographed, Zach and I look at each other. Understanding passes between us. He nods slightly.
