Page 41 of Cessation
The Cartel was in OKC and although I wasn’t drunk, I was buzzed and had the courage to face Trust. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew what I was going to say. It took me years to realize what was happening between us and now that I had a clear vision on the kind of relationship Trust and I should’ve had, I was standing behind it.
When I arrived, my nerves were still settled. I wasn’t second guessing my mission or thoughts. I was there to put some straightening on shit and that was all. Trust no longer had theadvantage of dictating how my life ran. I dedicated entirely too much to him and making him happy, now it was my turn.
My feet didn’t stop moving until I was standing in front of room 214. We became exclusive on Valentine’s Day, and we celebrated with each other every year in this room. So many memories were created here.
Releasing a deep breath, I finally knocked and waited to be greeted. It was a little after seven but if I knew Trust like I thought I did, he would wait all night for me.
The door was opened and everything I wanted to say was momentarily on hold. Trust looked so damn good. Months a part did him justice. He had always been attractive, but he brought forth a grown man’s swag tonight and not that street shit I was used to.
“Damn baby. I didn’t think I could miss you even more than I did but now that I see you, the effects are ten times worse.”
“Hi Trust. Am I allowed to come in or do you need to check with Xara first?”
“Yani, we didn’t come here for that. Come in so we can settle this.”
He moved to the side giving me room to pass. I walked inside and took a seat in the sofa. I began to stare at the bed we conceived Brendon on. Being in this room with him, brought on so many emotions and the decision I had made was quickly fading away.
Trust was supposed to be the one I spent the rest of my life with, but he made so many mistakes that caused our bond to collapse. We vowed year after year that we wouldn’t allow anyone to take what we had but somewhere along the way, he lost sight of that promise, and let someone else experience him in a way that should’ve been reserved for me and Brendon only.
“Why did you send this to my house Trust? Me and you are done.” I held up the box.
“Yani you and I will never be done, and it’s not because of our son. We know each other better than anyone else. Can’t nobody love us the way we can each other.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. The Trust I fell in love with adored me and made sure my happiness was a priority. The nigga I was sleeping beside for the last three years was not him. I don’t know you anymore and I’m perfectly fine with that. It was a wishful thought that we would end up growing old together.”
I was becoming emotional fast. Discussing my feelings with Trust was never supposed to happen. I was supposed to move on, heal, and be okay with the new path I set out on. This conversation was hindering all of that.
“I brought you here to answer any questions truthfully, give you all the explanations, and whatever else you need. I don’t want to lie to you anymore. We were good, great even, and I messed all that up. I’m here to put my cards on the table, and hopefully, leave here with you as my woman again.”
I heard him and as bad as I wanted to call him out on his lies, I believed what he said. However, I was going to test his intentions.
“Answer me this, the house y’all share?—”
“Regardless of her being a nurse, her credit is shit. I co-signed so that our daughter could be out the hood and that’s it. Brendon not near it and I don’t want Truce near it,” he cut me off responding before I could fully ask.
I understood that completely. Once we had Brendon, I was ready to get the hell out of the hood and somewhere he could be free. I couldn’t be upset about that.
“Alright. Addressing the elephant in the room, why did you cheat on me in the first place?”
“Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Back then, I saw something new and exciting and wanted to try it. Buy a Heart had just started to take off and the less time you had for me, I found insomeone else. I’m not saying I cheated because of that because that’s far from the truth. You were out getting yo’ paper and I’ll never stop you from doing that. I just got comfortable dealing with someone else. A nigga thought he was out here being slick, and I ended up losing the best thing that happened to me.”
I expected his excuse to be because of something I did and then maybe I could accept it, but his explanation just explained him being a man. Maybe if I neglected him or wasn’t affectionate to him anymore, it would be easier to swallow but he did what he did because he wanted to be greedy. There was no other way to put it.
It hurt knowing I wasn’t enough. I was out grinding, and he was just doing him. He didn’t care about his dirt getting out, that was clear. I really wanted to let my frustrations out on him by beating his ass one good time, but it would resolve nothing.
I stared at him and everything I felt for him was banging against my heart. Tears started streaming just from me acknowledging how much love I held for him. I matured with him and knowing I should choose Paxton I couldn’t deny that Trust still had a hold on me. I avoided him for this very reason. My heart was breaking all over again.
“Can I?”
He was asking to comfort me, and I allowed it. Nodding, he slid over closer and brought me into his embrace. Being so damn close to him was a feeling I missed. His smell, his touch, his everything. I thought I was progressing with not having him in my life as my significant other, but this just showed I indeed wasn’t.
“I can apologize a million times over and it wouldn’t be enough. I hurt you and that shit eats at me every day. I just want to make you smile again baby. I fucked us up and I’ll spend every day making it up to you if you allow me back in.”
Walk away Yani. You have a good man trying to love you. Don’t give in.
A finger was placed under my chin and our lips connected. So much for walking away. That kiss kidnapped me and brought me back into a relationship that had me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past three years.
“One more time and that’s all you get, Trust.”
