Page 80 of What If It Was Us
I didn’t respond; I just waited for him to go on. I was ready to listen, to put everything out on the table.
“You put Julie on your résumé for your job. Wren called her, Addie. I don’t know if you ever knew that.”
Ididn’tknow that. Wren never told me that she’d checked my references. I swallowed deeply.
“She got Wren’s name, found her online, and went as far as to see where she lived and everything. Wren had posted a picture of you on Facebook with Mia. That’s how Julie confirmed where you were.”
I chewed on my lip. I thought I had stayed under the radar since I had no social media, a new phone, and had been living with the Wilsons.
“Okay, so what are you saying? You knew where I was the entire time? And youstillnever came to find me? Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I said, defeated.
He shook his head. “That first week you were gone, before Wren called Julie, my entire family was freaking out. My parents even went to your house. My tiny-ass mom actually screamed at Peter, telling him he better tell us where you went. But he obviously didn’t know. I thought you could be dead, or that you’d killed yourself.”
I wanted to sarcastically say, “Get over yourself,” but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy.
He went on. “When Julie found you, I told her to let it go. I fought with my entire family to leave you alone.”
“Why?” It barely came out as a whisper.
“Because I thought you left because of me.”
There was that knife, right through the chest again.
“I left because Peter hurt me, and you never showed. Why would I want you to leave me alone?”
I looked up at him, and he had his elbows balanced on his knees, his head in his arms like the weight was too much to hold.
“I got arrested after the accident. Charged with a DUI. My parents ended up sending me to rehab. I had a really bad drinking problem in high school.”
I sucked in a breath. I knew Jackson had always turned to the bottle. My own brother was a fucking alcoholic. I should have seen the signs—I should have known how bad it was. Was I really that blinded by my love for him that I never saw it? Or did I just not want to see it, because all I cared about back then was wanting him to want me?
“I didn’t kick it the first time. I was sober on and off for five years. I was a mess after you left. The last time I got out of treatment, I ran into Sophie. She was familiar, you know? She had just moved back from college, and we talked for a while. Two years later, we got engaged.” He groaned, shaking his head and putting his hands over his face. “She convinced me to buy the restaurant after Phil died. We just bought it last year,together.We’re fucking business partners now.”
I just shook my head. Even though I was furious hearing this, I was more upset than anything. He was tied to her.
“When I finally got my shit together and got with Sophie, Julie told me we should go see you. She thought I hadn’t gotten closure on us—that I couldn’t start something with Sophie when you were still taking over my every thought. And she was right; you just disappeared, and I was fucked up from it. Truthfully, I didn’t want to see you, because I couldn’t handle a rejection from you again. I still felt awful over everything. I thought that I destroyed your life. I knew I failed you and let you down. You were my best friend, and I was supposed to protect you, but I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I lost the person I cared about more than anything because of my own fuckups.
“But, Julie convinced me, and we drove down. We pulled up to thehouse, but you were leaving with Mia. We followed you to the beach, and we just sat and watched the two of you for an hour.”
He met my eyes now, and through the blur of my tears, I could see that his eyes were glossy, too. “You looked so happy, Addie. I couldn’t risk taking that away from you. And I didn’t trust my sobriety yet. You didn’t need me to save you. So, we left. And I felt at peace knowing you were okay.”
I shook my head, wiping at my eyes. He found me. Last week when he told me he’d found me, this was what he was talking about. I’d thought I’d heard him say it, but I couldn’t believe that it was true. I was hit with a fresh wave of devastation.
“I never needed you to save me, Jackson. I just wanted you to love me back.” That was all I ever wanted from him—and all I wanted even now.
“I always did,” he whispered softly.
We sat in silence for a while after that, wiping away our tears, not daring to look at each other.
My chest felt like it had been ripped in half. Everything I had built up in my head and wholeheartedly believed for ten years was wrong. I didn’t know what to do with this information. Did it even change anything?
“And I talked to Sophie, I told her everything. Believe it or not, the conversation didn’t end terribly.”
I figured that meant they were okay. He was marrying her, and his feelings for me were out of his system. “She said she understands. Because she knows how hard it is to let go of your first love.”
I nodded, even though my heart shattered into a million pieces. I would never have him. It was never in the cards for us. “I understand, too. Why you can’t let her go.”
I met his eyes, and he looked back and forth between mine before shaking his head. “Addison . . . I wasn’t talking about Sophie.”
