Page 76 of One Last Thing
She’s nodding along as I talk. ‘Your dad could always tell a good character.’
‘He did love you,’ I say, smiling at her.
‘Exactly. A man with excellent taste. I say you go make things happen with Nico. Is he going to be at the street parade with you today?’
‘Yes, but likely not wearing a tank top.’
‘Hey, we all have our vices.’
I laugh lightly. ‘I don’t want to make how I feel obvious and then make a fool of myself.’
‘You wouldn’t!’
‘But he could have anyone. Do you know how hot people are in France? There are so many amazing, beautiful women just swanning around the place here looking tanned and fresh and perfect all the time. He’s not going to really want me, is he, someone who is none of those things. And I don’t think I helped my case in the car journey home from the air balloon ride yesterday. I was on a natural high mixed withchampagne and I couldn’t shut up. He practically ran away when we got back. He said it was because he was busy with the festival preparations but I think I scared him off by chatting so much shit.’
Marisa is watching me with a serious expression on her face, a reaction that is unexpected. I’d have expected her to be giggling at the details of the journey I’m describing, ready to tease me about ruining my chances with Nico by losing my head. But she’s staring at me intently, before her eyes drop down and she takes a deep breath.
She looks as though she’s building the courage to say something.
‘Can I say something?’ she asks, and I congratulate myself on knowing her so well.
‘Sure.’
‘I don’t like bringing up Dominic—’ my stomach crunches at his name‘—because all of that is in the past and, unless you want to talk about it, I don’t want to waste my breath on him. Megan, you’ve always been self-deprecating, but ever since you met Dominic, you’ve got even worse at bringing yourself down. And then after what he did to you . . .’ She trails off, her expression filled with fury for a moment, before she sighs. ‘Why would you not think that you’re as amazing and gorgeous as all the other women passing you on the street? You describe them as perfect in a way that makes it sound as though that’s a genuine state achievable for others but out of reach for you.’
I bow my head, picking at the skin around my thumbnail.
‘I know that shithead knocked your confidence, and I understand that it’s going to take time to rebuild it, but what baffles me is—’ she exhales here, trying to work out the best way to say it ‘—why is it that the actions and words of aman like Dominic –a man we know to be a feeble-minded, cowardly, selfish man-child –are what you take on when it comes to seeing yourself? Instead, you should absorb what someone like me –someone who you know you can trust –says and does. You are beautiful, Megan. Nico would be crazy not to fall in love with you. Even if you’re not able to do head-spins and backflips in the rain.’
‘As you say, we all have our vices.’ I blink back the tears that are pricking at my eyes as she chuckles. ‘Thanks. Marisa. I’m not going to lie, that speech made mesuperuncomfortable because it was so lovely, but I do appreciate it.’
‘It’s my job to make you even more awkward than you already are.’
‘I’d be lost without you. Seriously. And, not to encourage this weird streak of gushing friendship we appear to be flailing around in, but you know I think the same of you, right? I aspire to be as serene as you.’
She tips her head back and cackles manically.
I can see my eyes widen comically in shock in the little thumbnail.
‘Serene? Serene!’ she repeats, a palm on her forehead before she slams it down on the table, leaning into the camera so I have a close-up of her face. ‘That is the last thing I feel right now. I mean, I’m not going to lie, I love it that you think that. I love that I have managed to fool anyone into thinking that, but I am notserene, Megan. Oh my god, of all the words to use. You make me sound like some kind of graceful swan!’
‘You are a graceful swan but with added perfect hair.’
‘HA! I’m not a swan! I’m more like a . . . a . . . what’s a bird that is losing its mind?’
‘Um.’ I blink at her, stunned. ‘I’m not sure there are any birds like that.’
‘Well, if there were, I’d be one of those. I may seem fine, and I guess, well, I guess I am fine in that I’m stillfunctioning, I’m still getting up and putting on clothes and saying things to my kids like, “Do you want some fruit?”, but I am not really fine and I am notserene. God, Megan—’ she shakes her head, still laughing‘—I haven’t showered in two days. And I have been sweating a lot at night, so I am genuinely gross. Like,gross.’ She gestures to the monitor. ‘This is the longest my baby has napped . . . uh, ever . . . and every time I hear a sound, this panicked fear clutches at me, because all I want to do is talk to my best friend about real life things and I’m so scared I’m going to have to end this call at any minute and then I’m right back to the chaos of trying so hard to be a good mum whilst also feeling like I’m failing at it the entire time, but I don’t get the luxury of having time to regroup, I have to keep going even with that feeling clawing at me and ripping me apart.’
I swallow as I watch her eyes well up.
‘My house is a tip,’ she tells me conspiratorially as though it’s a shocking secret, ‘and I mean it, I’m not just saying it because that’s what parents say to be relatable, I mean there’s crapeverywhere, which really stresses me out, but I don’t have time to get it in order because if I did, I would use that time to wash myself. I have a toddler who I love engaging with but who I also can’t seem to do anything right for at the moment, and a baby who makes my heart swell with unbearable love but who also won’t sleep so I feel like I’m going crazy. Oh, and also none of my underwear fits right. I’ve spent a fortune on bras and still none of them are doing the trick, so every morning I feel shit about myself whenI put one on. Every single morning, that’s how I start the day, feeling shit about my body.’
She pushes her hair out of her face as I watch her, both bewildered by and grateful for this information, refusing to say anything in case it makes her stop.
‘I put so much effort and energy into coming across asfine,’ she continues, her eyes shining at me. ‘But today, I am so sleep deprived, I think if I don’t tell you the truth I might actually lose it. I’m sorry for not being honest, I hate the idea of anyone thinking I don’t have things under control, but I don’t want you going around thinking that I am “serene” and you’re not. I’m a fucking mess the majority of the time, Megan. Amess.’
I breathe out all the air in my cheeks. ‘Wow.’
