Page 113 of CHOICE Lover
Her words populate on screen, and he settles in.
Dear Res6,
Not “Dear Reader.” His stomach drops. She must have known he’d eventually break down and discover the entry.
I’m sorry I left without seeing you first. The truth is, I couldn’t face you. Knowing how you feel about me, that you find dating a human woman “inadvisable.” Especially after what we shared. But the things you said—did you think if you sabotaged us, you wouldn’t have to feel the big scary things you were feeling? Push the human woman away now to avoid potential loss in the future before you get in too deep? How long did it take you to find this, anyway? Days? Weeks? If you had figured out a way to get me back, I would have deleted this, so we know that hasn’t happened. Obviously, you don’t want me back.
God, I’m not making sense. I just need to get this out. I knew you would find this, and you deserve an explanation. At least that’s what Janet would advise. Hell, it’s what I would advise. Real life is a bitch though, isn’t it?
I tried to be there for you, but you didn’t want it. I’m evidently not what you need. After the lying and hiding things, I don’t see how we can work.
Especially when you’re clinging to the past like a life vest and you can’t even see it. You think you can bring Jerme back and I’m going to magically fix you both, but I can’t fix you, Res6. You have to fix you.
STOP right now. I can hear you calling me a hypocrite.
A chuckle escapes his lips. He stops reading to wipe his eyes. Reading her letter intensifies the ache in his chest. But in place of loss, a bone-deeplonging for some lost future that will never happen takes hold. His eyes drop back to her words.
I know I need to fix myself, too. I have to figure out how to be okay on my own. That’s part of the reason I left. Since this is my new life, I need to be valid on my own. I can’t keep waiting for something bad to happen, like you tiring of me. Or me feeling like I’m in constant competition with your stupid manupartners or some fantasy of resurrecting your dead brother.
Maybe that’s what it all boils down to. You make me feel like I’m not worth choosing. And I can’t live like that.
My heart aches because I thought we had found something special. I guess I was wrong. There really isn’t anything left to say. Have a nice life, Res6. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Coming to terms,
Electra
He sits there for a moment, stunned. How did he not choose her? Or is this some excuse to reject him because of how messed up she thinks he is?
I would do anything—trade anything to get him back.He implied he’d choose Jerme over her. He didn’t mean it. He felt hurt that she had hidden the Dear Electra column from him. Then, when she confronted him about his lie, his shame caused him to lash out to hurt her back. Was he really trying to sabotage them to protect himself? He lets out a bitter laugh. Look where he is now.
The hole he’s dug with his hurtful words is massive. Helping Sable and James isn’t going to be enough. He needs a new plan. Taking a note from her playbook, he opens the Scrawl app. At the top of a blank page, he writes:
How to win back the hand of the fair maiden, in five not-so-simple steps.
He considers consulting DumBot, but he ended up accidentally dating her last time he did that. The virtual assistant would probably make the situation worse. He needs to do this on his own to show her he’s serious. Right. Five steps:
1 – Help Sable with the reincarnates.
Already done, but it’s nice to add to the list nonetheless for the simple pleasure of checking things off.
2 – Start going to my FRIENDS meetings myself.
A few weeks should suffice to show he’s trying.
3 – Get Electra an ID.
Sable owes him, so basically in progress.
4 – Write into the Dear Electra column groveling.
Sounds painful. Will do later.
5 – Choose Electra and make sure she knows it.
Will be the easiest thing in the world. He only needs to get there.
Perhaps there needs to be a sixth step:Stop trying to resurrect Jerme.
