Page 77 of And the Corpse Wore Tartan

He gestured for her to share it with Susan. ‘Don’t tell Customs and Excise, but a friend of a friend makes it in an undisclosed location. Might be able to set you up with a bottle or three...?’ When Susan had taken a drink he hid the flask away again. ‘Did you really think I’d done it?’

Roberta waggled a hand from side to side. ‘Jury’s still out.’ She leaned back against the wall, squinting at him. ‘Allthat crap when we went to wake up Lady Barely-Distraught, yesterday morning, and you were kidding on you thought she was dead. Meanwhile: you’d been snoring it up all night,in her bed, with your floppy willy?’

‘Ah... Yeah.’ A nod. ‘Suppose I can’t blame you.’ Deep breath. ‘But what was I supposed to do: fess up and get kicked off the case? Sir Reginald Bradbury-Scott might’ve been a nasty, thieving, lascivious, two-faced, condescending, stuck-up, manipulative, right-wingwanker, but I don’t like murderers running round my patch. Never mind a whole sodding hotel full of them.’ He returned their pilfered Glenfeòrag. ‘Anyway, suppose I’d better go make sure PC McKinnon doesn’t compromise himselftoomuch. Silly sod. He means well, just a bit too eager to please.’

Sergeant Moore stepped up to the main doors. Paused. Then placed a hand on Roberta’s shoulder and squeezed. ‘We were never going to win, not against this lot. But at least we did our best.’

He disappeared inside and the door clunked shut. Leaving them alone with the rain.

Susan snuggled in closer, Moore’s illegal moonshine warm and sweet on her breath. ‘Well,Ithought you were magnificent in there.’ She wrapped an arm around Roberta’s shoulders. ‘Like a young Margaret Rutherford!’

The wedding bunting had faded a bit in the downpour, hanging limp and dangly like a spurned boyfriend.

That crow had another go, flapping away along the misty treetops in a swearing of disgruntled caws.

And still the rain fell.

Susan leaned in and nuzzled her ear. ‘In fact, all your detecting has got me quite a-fluttered. Don’t suppose you fancy...?’

Saucy minx.

Roberta let a smile crack through her frown and stood. Helped Susan up. Gave her a warm whisky kiss. And wheeched open both sides of the hotel’s double doors for her. Making a big swanky gesture of it. ‘We’re barricading the room, though. I wouldn’t trustanyof the buggers staying here – they might have a bash tidying up their loose ends.’ Hang on a minute... She paused on the threshold. ‘Or do you think they’ll try to bribemetoo?’

‘Would you take it if they did?’

Good question.

‘Probably no’.’

A determined nod, then Susan gazed deep into her eyes. ‘Then maybeIshouldn’t either? Tell Mortimer to shove his corporate law firm up his fundamental orifice and I can be a stay-at-home mum instead?’

‘Are you insane? Onmysalary?’ Roberta stared at her like she’d just turned down a threesome with Keira Knightley. ‘Have you seen how much Jasmine’s school fees are? Never mind saving up for Naomi’s. Then there’s university, and we’ll probably have to buy the pair of them flats as well. You stay where you are and take all the bribes you can!’

A naughty wink. ‘I love it when you’re masterful.’

‘Have my moments. And, if you play your cards right, you’ll get a few more of them in a minute. I might even struggle my way into those fancy-pants bra and knickers you like so much.’

A laugh made all the best bits of Susan jiggle. ‘Be still my beating heart.’ Then she smiled, one hand up to stroke Roberta’s cheek. ‘I do love you, you know.’

‘Aye, well, don’t blame you: I’m pretty damned adorable.’ She slapped Susan’s bum. ‘Now get your pert and sexy arse up those stairs, woman!’

Because sometimes, when life screwed you over, you just had to kick it in the nadgers and go have kinky-naked-fun-time with the person you loved.

And with any luck, that person had remembered to pack the Nutella and a photograph of Keira Knightley.