Page 40 of Almost True
“’Course. What’re you talking about?”
Rowan clears his throat and focuses intently on slicing a tomato. “I’m actually gay,” he mumbles. “There. I said it. I’m not out to anyone else, because I’d be the only one in town, and I don’t want that kind of pressure.”
“Shit, Rowan. I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“It’s okay. I had just sort of hoped it wasn’t only me.”
I don’t know what to say about that. Instead I offer him the only thing I can. “How about this. I’ll make it my mission to find you a boyfriend, all right? What’re you into?”
Rowan laughs. “I don’t even know, since I’ve never dated anyone before! But maybe someone small and cute.”
“You mean the sort of person you’ll never find in fucking Copper Creek?”
“Exactly. I’m doomed.”
Korren finally notices what we’re doing and splashes his way out of the river to join us for lunch. Rowan’s revelation has thrown a different sort of light on what we’re doing, and I’m once again wondering if we’re okay to go on like this or if we’re accidentally offending anyone who’s actually gay. I make a note to ask Rowan later.
Korren has of course missed our entire exchange, and his cheeks are flushed from the wind, his eyes sparkling.
“It’s incredible out here,” he says. “Are there any trails through the mountains around here?”
“Plenty,” I say. “It’s the Chugach National Forest. I’ll take you sometime.”
“And the glacier,” Rowan says. “Don’t forget the glacier. That’s usually the first place tourists visit.”
“Obviously I’ve been neglecting my duties as a tour guide,” I tease. “We’ll have to make up for that before winter sets in, or you’ll be stuck inside all winter long wondering what amazing things are out there.”
A storm blows in shortly after lunch, so we pack up and climb back into the boat, grateful for the sheltered cockpit when rain begins pelting down. Korren still hasn’t caught anything, but our two fish will be more than enough for the dinner Rowan’s planned.
Rowan has a second thermos with hot chocolate, plus he’s brought brownies, so Korren and I slide onto benches at the table again and round the day off with enough chocolate to put me into a sugar coma.
I’m glad Korren is happy looking out the rain-streaked windows, because I have a lot to think about as I lean back with my mug cupped between my hands and my legs resting against Korren’s under the table.
Talking to Rowan earlier has shifted something in me, and I’m not sure what to make of it yet.
The fact that he’s obviously known he’s gay for a long time and has been closeted all these years because he’s afraid of what people will think has made me realize our town isn’t the most open and accepting of places, no matter how great it is in other regards.
Now I’m wondering if I’ve internalized that same closed-mindedness, if I’ve been so invested in the idea that I’m straight that I’ve been unable to see the thing I have with Korren for what it is.
Even contemplating that makes me uncomfortable.
Which tells me I need to sit with that awkwardness a bit longer and try to untangle what I’m feeling.
What if I genuinely did want to date Korren? What would that mean?
I would be able to touch him as much as I wanted, which would be pretty fucking amazing. But would I be ready to face all the other implications of that?
I don’t know.
Also, Korren would probably never talk to me again if I told him what I’m thinking.
Fuck me.
As we pull up to the pier, the rain blurring our view of Copper Creek, the corners of Korren’s mouth tighten.
“I’ve got dinner,” I say quietly. “I know you’re stressing about it.”
Korren gives me a suspicious look. “Do you have a supply of money I’m not aware of? Because I thought your pay was as pitiful as mine.”
