Page 53 of Sprog
"But you didn't."
"No. Because I knew that if I started talking about you, I'd have to make it real. I'd have to admit that I'd been carrying it this whole time and I hadn't moved on the way everyone thought I had, the way I'd been telling myself I had." She looks up at me. "I ended it six months later. He didn't do a single thing wrong, and I ended it because I couldn't give him what he deserved. I knew why and I wasn't ready to face that."
She's quiet for a moment.
"I've never told anyone that. Not Luke. Not my mum. Not anybody." She meets my eyes briefly and then looks away. "I don't know why I'm telling you now."
I don't say anything. I know there’s nothing I could say that would be the right thing. So, I just hold her eyes when she looks at me. I waited for her to continue and let what she’d already said sit in the room between us where it belongs.
After a moment she straightens slightly and picks her mug back up. "I've hated you for ten years. You don't know what that was like. I didn't want to date anyone because I always compared them to you and nobody was ever the same. No one treated methe way you did. And I still hated you for what you did." She looks at me steadily. "It's going to take me a while to get my head around this. I need you to understand that."
"I do."
"What do you want, Austin? Not what you wanted ten years ago. Now."
"I want you," I say. No hesitation. "I've always wanted you. Seeing you again has made me feel like I’ve a heartbeat again. I know that sounds like too much, and I know I've got no right to ask for anything. I'll take whatever you'll give me. Even if that's nothing for a while." I hold her eyes. "Even if it's just the chance to prove to you that the man I am now is worth some of your time."
She's quiet for a long moment. I can see her working through it, all of it, sorting it into things she can hold and things she can't yet.
"I talked to your mom and dad," I say. "Years ago. I asked them not to tell you. I wanted to keep in touch with them, so I knew you were safe and happy. I needed to know that."
"I know," she says. "I went to see them yesterday." A pause. "I'm not happy with them about it. But I understand why they kept it secret."
"And if you hadn't been happy? If you'd needed someone to come and find you?"
She looks at me. "I think I know the answer to that."
"Then you know the answer."
She almost smiles. Just barely. "He's a good kid. EJ. He looks just like you."
That’s the first nice thing she's said about me since I walked in the door. Maybe I can hope.
"He'll be handsome like you when he grows up," she says, and then she seems to realize she's said it and looks back at her coffee.
"So that's one hurdle," I say. "What else do you need from me?"
"I need time, Austin. I need to think without you standing right next to me making it hard to think." She stands and I stand with her. "I'm not saying no to whatever this is. I'm saying I need time."
"I can work with that."
"Don't harass me."
"I can't promise that. But I'll try."
She shakes her head, but the almost-smile is there again, and that's something. That's more than something, because that's the smile I remember from when we were eighteen and she thought I was being an idiot, but she loved me anyway.
“What happened with EJ? Who shot him?”
I take a deep breath. This is why being a member of an MC becomes difficult. We don’t discuss club business with anyone. The old ladies know that. They know that they will only learn a small amount of information, they take that and don’t ask for more.
I know Sav, and I know that she wants the truth. She deserves the truth after what I did to her.
“There’s a rival MC who want to take over our operation and they want to own this town. The Black Saints have owned this town for years and this town likes us. We are not going anywhere. They hurt on of our kids and that is not on. That is bad news.”
“How could they do that to a child?” She has tears in her eyes.
“Exactly, but we will be getting for revenge for what they did to EJ. They can’t do that and get away with it.” I rub my hand over my face. Just the thought of EJ being shot kills me.
